1 10 2009

Good day readers, thank you in advance for stopping by. Shoes go in the corner, where sis you get those by the way? I looked for them there but they didn-

Sorry, i got carried away. Im working to create a fnatasy world to try and app some spice to my life. Right now it seems as though im living in a wite bread sandwich filled with saltine crackers. Granted, I have an awesome internship at one of the biggest radio stations in town. Dont get me wrong… in not a name dropper in the least, but it happens so early in the morning and then im home for the rest of the day (after 11 o clock, but still). I really want to get out into the world but there is nothing coming to mind. All day long it seems im either thinking about food and what im going to eat next, or im thinking about something to bake and looking up recipes so i can go out to the grocery store and get somethings done for the day at least. The hardest thing about days like this is that im so ‘shut in’ that my head starts swimming around stupid and insipid things… i know this but and for the most part i can ignore the self harming ones, but there is still that ‘inkling’ that begs me to go to the gym and just take up space on lifting machines for two hours and then sit on a stationary bike for a while since i still dont feel strong enough to go for a run. Then, the all time best thought (highly sarcastic) is the “you remember what you used to be like when you were overweight, The same thing you doing right now.” Whats the worst thing about this? Since  feel I was like this when i was overweight then it makes me not want to eat during the day. Don’t worry… i still make sure to eat all my meals, but its jut getting so tiresome to have to remind myself that peanut butter is OK and bananas are fine to eat for meals other than breakfast. It makes me tired, along with the insomnia is a combonation worse than olives and vanilla ice cream.

I know that there is time to get out into the world and do things. I also know that the time will come when im stronger in both body and mind and be able to enjoy those times more. Im just impatient i guess. Ive always been a ‘NOW’ person, waiting for things to come to me. I try and talk to my family about it and they just tell me to enjoy the time and use it to my advantage… I wish someone could tell me how watching tivo ll day while sitting on my butt that doesn’t exist advances me in the least. Honestly, theres a log in the hole in the bottom of the sea…. and i feel like a bump on said log, if that! Do any of you guys ever feel this way, and if so what do you do in response? So far the only things i can think of are taking a nap, reading the bible a bit at a Starbucks or practicing the guitar for a little bit. But then there is the argument of what i can do thats not for me. Im overwhelmed wth this feeling of selfishness and the thoughts of being undeserving of this ‘me time’. I want to have a career that I love and get to do during the day and friends who like to maybe go to a nice restaurant or spend the night playing Wii and watching Arrested Development, is that too much?

I realize everything i said just now was extremely selfish and i apologize if i have upset anybody. Feel free to tell  to clam up and I assure you i will.

UPDATE!!!! This literally just happened. I got a call from this woman heading up an event for my church called the final hour. Its a series of skits that lead children through a young mans life until his death and ends with a call towards God. I highly support the message that ‘God is a God of second chances’, especially since He pulled me out of the fire a year ago. She just called me asking me to come to a couple run throughs tomorrow night at six. Is it going to be something new and different? Most definitely, and i know this since my firs instinct was to avoid it and use my internship as an excse for me not to do the event at all. Granted, the part is small and there is not money involved… but thee is also the wonderful opportunity to lead others to Christ. To actually use acting to bring Him glory… not to metion meet some new people. Needless to say i avoided the voice and promised i would be there tomorrow night. God does always open a window after a door appears closed… the quesion is whether or not your ready when the door is open.

Maybe the answeris to trust God will make a way. Maybe not lay back completely and be a ant on the log, but lie is wait ready to pounce like a lion in the jungle…. where they have fun and games. I think im gonna read the bible and play guitar, prep myself for what i beleive my calling to be. I almost dont even want to post this not since it appears to be much ado about nothing… but i think im going to anyway. This way i can let you, and myself, know that even though it may seem your in a pit sometimes… there is nothing wrong with being in there and growing for a while. Acorn into an oak tree and all that. And, tell you what… no tree ever grew unless they ate plenty (SANDWICH TIME!)