Quickie and a Challenge.

22 09 2009

Get your mind out of the gutter readers. Im not gonna lie though, i expect alot of new readers in response to this title…. let the experiment begin!

But before that, allow me to make a few notes of the day before i have to hit the pillow with a vengence (curse you early hours!!!). Yes, must go back to work tomorrow and, sadly, did not sleep well at all and am having some trouble keeping my eyes open as it is. The Office is good but the nightly marathons have not. Which, was the case last night.

Therefore you can imagine my tiredness when i awoke this morning. Normally im all for my usual bowl of oats with nuts and fruit coupled with the ever-faithul banana. However, i could not be expected to operate anything involving a burner in my tired state so i had to re-vamp. This is where the debate always happens, am i right.

is that going to be enough. But thats not a whole grain. Your gonna put too much peanut butter on if you have the toast with it. and who can forget the oldie but goodie: there’s sugar in that… TOO MUCH SUGAR!!”

Im not gonna lie, i was upset with myself that i was even having those thoughts to begin with. Its like, you already learned to ride a bike and you all of a sudden forget how and fall in the neighbors bushes. Luckily though, i stepped off the bike for one second and noticed that the kickstand accidently got knocked down cause i had to put on new bicycle shorts this morning. All it too was a flick of the foot and the daily ride was on like Donkey Kong. Basically… the chopped apple and cherries mixed with jogurt and cinnamon toast crunch was friggin delicious, and the banana was right there ready to help him cross the finish line.

The moral of the story? Changing up the routine is the spice of life, and is there is anything i hate… its a life that makes you get up from the table and get the salt shaker just to make it more pallatable. Am i gonna go there again? You know it. Am i gonna change it up again? You bet… depending on what im craving that morning. Frankly, im excited.

Next up… the Challenge – Baking. You heard me right… MAN-BAKING. Its something I never dove into just for me since it always felt too ‘indulgent’ to make a plate of MAN-ana Nut Muffins just for me. But, i think that there may just be a time where i want a nice snack-ski of muffin goodness. Plus, while i do like to eat healthy and make sure im not only putting enough fuel in the tank… but also quality fuel. Premium rather than regular. But, it is nice to have something sweet every now and again and chicks dig a guy who can bake! I have choosen some Man-ana Nut Muffins and will let you know how they turn out.

“What are you baking this week?”

Until next time men… stay strong and do NOT succumb to the Office and get some sleep. Take care of yourselves and know that YOU are life’s secret ingredient….. despite what ‘kung fu Panda’ may have taught us.


20 09 2009

Insomnia has been kicking me in the face lately. It’s strange, i can sleep on a couch or i can sleep on a tile floor and once I even fell asleep on a bench at the Y; but i cannot get comfortable in my own bes in my life depended on it. I hear this is normal when your not eating enough though (reversing effect from the thanksgiving nap one always suffers) or maybe its due to an urge to constantly be doing something productive. Either way… it almost made me late for church this morning. Thank goodness I go to the campus thats a LOT closer than the one i used to go to…. otherwise I would not have made it and had to walk in late. I mean… i know theyr’e NOT judging me, but it always feels like everyone there was about to hear the secret to happiness and the sound of the door clicking shut behind you (which is NEVER louder than when your late!) interrupted everything. Either way… i was on time, hoping nobody minded that i had yet to brush (teeth or hair).

Church was, once again, God inspired. I am not sure who gave the almighty the Sparknotes to my life but He totally has my number to a ‘T’. However, before we get down to the meat… here are some potatoes.

This week was brought to you by nightmares of ringing phones. I answer them for work and have had some trouble recently being as ‘efficient’ as everyone at the workplace would like. It turned out to be one of those catch 22’s, where if I was quick I was being rude… but if i was polite i was slowing e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g down. It got to a point where I was having nightmare that a phone with 30 seperate lines had constant incoming calls and I could never get them to stop ringing. I think in the nightmare i ended up going insane and rocking back and forth like Leo DiCaprio in that movie where someone was eating grapes…… i forget the name. Thankfully, a balance has been the focus of this week and progress has been made. Im learning that I need a hiearchy and adhere to that. Making sure the callers are put on hold and therefore secured, then (since we have them there) i can take a little more time with them which allows me to concentrate more and be a little more polite.

*This may be one of the most arbitrary things you have ever read, and props for making it this far, but i assure you…. When you work for a 300lb Itallian gentleman who has the stature of an Ent (LOTR Reference!) and a gaze that would choke Vader…. you want to do a good job.

Work-life aside, the doctor visit happened this week as well. Ill spare you figures and other nerd aspects we all know and love but the bottom line is that the heart rate is slow, im anemic, and the nurse was amazed that I walked in that morning. Then…. if that wasn’t enough of a wake up call, a friend at work (the only one who didn’t repremand me for the phone debocle) pulled me aside on Friday to say: “So…. my girlfriend thinks you have an eating disorder. She’s a therapist and wanted to me let you know you gotta be careful with that stuff.” I was seriously floored, what do you say to that? Have you ever been humiliated/self conscious/insecure/afraid/angry/sad and had an urge to flee all at the same time? You know when your mother tells you from across the busy Target sales floor that you need to check your fly? Its kinda like that. After a few seconds that seemed to linger like cigarette smoke in a noir film, he got called into the other room and I got yelled at cause the phones were ringing. It was the only time this week where having trouble with the calls was a good thing.

You would think all this would be enough but the icing on the cake this week too the shape of family members who could have been ticketed for CUI( criticizing under the influence) who decided to claim i recently went vegan just so i could cut foods out of my diet. Now, ill admit, that particular undertone did exist when the decision was made. But, aside from having problems finding places to eat out, i agree with the ethics and philosphy behind them. Not to mention i am now the only person in the house who knows how to: prepare a squash, make a bolognese from scratch, prepare guacamole an salsa from scratch and make banana nut bread sans the cholesterol and the partially hydrodgenated oil. Do i avoid junk/fried foods? Yes, i feel i owe it to my body to treat it well after i wronged it for so long. However, do i avoid nuts and avocados since their high in fats and fruits since their high in sugar? What about brown rice and pasta since it had more carbs and eating out in any setting since I dont know how somethings prepared? Surely I still feel the urge to stay up for four hours to walk three miles on the treadmill after i had a cup of melon and some egg whites, right? NO! I strive to live healthy and balanced, and make sure I take care of myself in order to achieve my goals and no longer freak out when one day doesn’t go as planned….. and dont call me ‘surely’ (Airplane Reference!)

Still there? I applaud/love you…. now ill leave you with the meat and leave you surf the facebook (guilty!)

Who is your enemy? For some it might be a boss, a family member, or a co-worker who strips you in the worplace. However, there is also: anger, bitterness, insecurity, fear, stubbornness or jealousy. Sometimes, to quote my favorite Lit song, ‘I am my own worst enemy’. However, it goes even deeper than that as feelings like these need to come from somewhere… somewhere tempting and decieving, that place is hell and the enemy is… well, you get it. And this enemy wants nothing less than to devour you. But dont worry, we know how he does it. The first way is Pride.

The Enemy seeks to devour you through Pride. This sounds strange, out of everything that could be used by the enemy. However, when dealing with ed (<– thinking of a new nickname for this) it is a sin we know all too well. I remember there were SOOOO many times where I would ‘forget’ i has plans with someone, i would have an ’emergency’ while out for dinner and would have to leave before we even ordered. And i wouldn’t be caught dead going salsa dancing since it ‘wasn’t my scene’. Rather, MY scene was lying in bed with no energy watching Little Miss Sunshine for the ninth time and drinking an entire two liter of Moutain Dew in the span of an hour so it would fill my stomach with something. My scene was sitting alone in the university coffeehouse hunched over a laptop since i had another project i took on myself that i HAD to get done. And eventually, my scene was a bed in the ICU.

Think of the word ‘pride’ as synonymous with ‘my way’. I need money so im gonna do it my way and job hunt. I need this money since my rent is higher now because i cant stand roommates since i need to live my way. I gonna do this, this and this my way… because my way is the best way. Someone else thought this right before getting tossed out of heaven. The name Lucifer ring a bell? How about Adam and Eve? “I know God told me not to, but im gonna choose what to eat…. and choose my way.” When we stop focussing on ourselves out gaze falls upon those who benefit from it, we are able to focus our love on others. We are able to focus on Him and know that He has out best intrest at heart and will take care of us regardless of our sin. We are able to focus on others and stop focussing and obsessing with insipid things like: weight, how our clothes fit, how muscular/lean we are or how much we get to the gym compared to others around us. Starting to make sense?

The Lord takes care of the pigeons in the sky and keeps them in the air as long as He wants. He allows the ants to rebuild their homes within the week after they had the hose turned on them. He as counted the hairs on your head and the lashes on your eyelid and has a plan for you from day one. There is nothing to be afraid of, there is nothing to be anxious over. ‘Fear does not exist in this Dojo, does it? – NO SENSEI! (Karate Kid Reference!)

Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.               (1Pet 5:5-7)

Mission Statement

20 09 2009

During college we were assigned a case study of a theater in the United States. Upon finishing the presentations i found half the assignment being that we could learn the differences between theaters/where we may have wanted to work someday. Now, there were vast differences between theaters in La Jolla, CA and Chicago, IL… but there some noticeable similarities that this man believes should carry over to normal AND business life. The main similarity being a ‘Mission Statement’. Just for elaboration, a Mission Statement is defined here as: “A statement of goals, aspiritions, main values and social responsibility.” (Note: Many thanks to Caitlin for inspiring me to write this bad boy).

Mission Statement: I will live my life for God, following the path He has set out for me without questioning and assurance that He will take care of me. I will always treat those around me as I would like to be treated, while remembering to take care of myself. Therefore, I will equip myself physically, mentally and emotionally in order to have the strength to enjoy the path I am desitined to travel.

I am defined by my faith and compassion for others. Ergo, I will strive to bring joy and smiles to the world and to help my fellow man with trials i have overcome. I will also use the recovery from said trials to council and encourage others.

Everyday is a gift and an opportunity to be in the presence of those around me and my Heavenly Father. I will live each day as such and take nothing for granted.

Way Way Better Day!

16 09 2009

So, coming off that title, today was momentously better than yesterday. Although, im sure it wouldn’t have taken much to make that happen. I found a good secret for starting the day off right:

  1. Start the day off realizing that it is a gift and give thanks for the new possibilities
  2. Take on a challenge early in the morning and allow the momentum to carry you for a while.

Having made sure that number one was taken care of this morning the second was yet to be found… until I got to work. See, i dont know what it is about me but everytime I have an epic fail I always feel obligated to bring in food the next day. Now, do I also partake in said food? Usually not. However, today was the first exception i have made to this rule in a LONG time. See, normally ill munch on a Clif bar and piece of fruit while im at work since ive got to monitor my station… its just easier for me to nibble rather than have a regular breakfast that early. However… today i traded in the norm (and thus ‘safe’) foods for a train ride down to bagel town! CHOO CHOO! Now, is this possibly the smallest vistory in the known world? Kinda… but it was good enough to make me feel like someone who’s like didnt revolve around food choices and making sure that every iota i put into my body was the most immaculate. There are some days when there are bagels and the routine may need to change… today was more of a ‘training session’ for normality later on. And, to be honest, i am not that big a fan of bagels having given this one a fair shot. I think the only reason i used to really jones for one is because i would get a chocolate chip or cinnamon raisin one… but if im going down that road then ill just have a vegan muffin or something.

Oh…. veganism. Part of me wonders why I choose to make the switch now. I mean… i have eaten healthy for the last three years and been fine with it but now that im working to pack some weight on i feel that unless i eat a diet strictly of meat and potatoes then my mother is going to worry/nag to the power of ten. Granted, nobody ever got overweight from eating carrots… but i think people forget that nutter butters and reeses peices are vegan. Also, I would prefer my dinner without the articificial hormones and cruelty… thank you. (*note: really hope that doesn’t come off as sanctimonious as i think it may have. I am in no way slamming meat… simply repeating the thoughts that were pounding my subconcious all day).

Also, went for a nice walk around the ‘hood today and i must admit that it was not too bad. The sun was out and the vitamin D was flowing like WHOA! Then i got home to one of the most uplifting cereals ever…

And i Heart you too Kashi!
And i Heart you too Kashi!

And, when life gives you lemons…. its time to make an awesome bowl of cereal!!!

Almost makes me want to Antioxi-dance!
Almost makes me want to Antioxi-dance!

Look at the superfoods! I totally prefer frozen froot in my cereal as it turns the milk into a really cold and icy mess that almost gets to like an itallian ice consistency. I dont even really like itallian ice either… thats how crazy it is!

“How do you like your cereal in the morning/ whats your favorite?”
Well, men… i am pretty pooped and am about to hit the sheets. Promise for some inspiring words tomorrow and more news from the life of the ordinary. Also… a new and awesome idea for the blog which i am toally excited to unveil to all of you wonderful people! Till then, stay strong, stay in Him and stay MEN! (so butch)

Being in a pit without being pitiful

14 09 2009

-Short post to follow… be ready-

Today was a hard day at work, you know… one of those Murphy’s Law days (anything that can go wrong will). Im not gonna go too far into it because that is not the focus but lets just say it involved incomming calls and possibly making my boss look bad. Yelling, oh yeah. Publicly? You bet. Refuge, nowhere in sight.

However, just because you can’t see something… doesn’t mean it isnt there.

Flashback to six-ish months ago when i was working my last job. Another Murphy day. Boss showed me a whole bunh of mistakes all at once which led me to the back room for a good cry sesion. Then a feeling of (are we done yet) to finish out the day. Today, those feelings came back again… but the difference was that i knew God was there making sure i would make it. And, praise Him I did.

This got me thinking about something i heard on Sunday about Joseph. Yes, the amazing technicolor dreamcoat… which actually may be wrong as the original translation is ‘a cloak with long sleeves’ but that’s not important right now. Now, Joseph was led out into the wilderness and left for dead in a pit and that was BEFORE he was sold into slavery. I don’t know about you but someone does that to me i am gonna whine, complain, plead, do whatever i could to try and get out of there. Reading the text it seems as though Joseph kept his mouth shut. Suddenly, stories of: Daniel, Paul and even Jesus flashed in my mind about men who had been arrested and horribly beaten… yet took it all because they knew it was for something greater. That something was God, and those around them could see that since they went through everthing they did with the strength that can only come from above… and persevered until their flesh was no longer able. They were definitely in a pit.. but they were anything but pitiful.

Tomorrow is a new day… and i can either hide in my room and search the want ads for a new course of work and stress myself to the point of tears and exhaustion. Or, I can remember that God would not put me through something He did not want for me… and His want is waaaaaaaay more thought through and meaningful than mine. This is the daily challenge. Follow God’s want regardless of rocks in the way. Take the hardships in stride by drawing strength from above and, in turn, being a witness for those around you. Tomorrow is going to be a better day… and each day after (spent with Him) is going to be that much better.

“Have i not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you, wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

Apples to Apples

13 09 2009

Don’t even play like you didnt LOVE that game when your friends would come by on friday night. I mean, maybe im the grand captain of lameness, but i am so much more down to staying in and playing a game of A to A with some friends as opposed to going out clubbing. How’s that for an attitude for someone living in Miami?

What’s your favorite Friday night activity?

Okay… so I know your all dyyyying to know how the visit to the Dr. went. Well, weight went down, i wont say to what and im not playing much into it since numbers on a scale change every three seconds anyway. However, more medically speaking, there is a low level of iron and HR. Heres the thing though, i wasn’t scared. The nurse that brought me in went as far as to ask me how i was even able to walk into the office that morning (to which i reponded with the joke that it was because i have the thighs of an ox). Did we laugh? Of course, im hilarious… but looking in her eyes i could tell there was a sense of worry for me…. and i only knew this woman for like 8 seconds. I spent the rest of the day trying to give my anxiety up to God and praying about what to do next.

As if i don’t already know right? I know i need to let this go and not associate myself with it anymore. I mean, i just wrote out a list of all the things in the world that make me happy and i didnt see ‘loosing weight’ anywhere on that list… did you? I need to understand that i am loved by the greatest power in the universe no matter what my shell looks like as long as im nutty on the inside. Oh man, i really want a walnut right now (those were the only ones i liked cracking out of the shell).

I bought an apple the other day that was a little more bruised than i usually go for. I like fruit thats really firm and gives me a crunch when i bite into it, but for some reason a spotty one made its way into my bag this week. Did I eat it? Heck yeah… it was a Fuji; and was it wonderful? Heck yeah… it was a FUJI! In fact, it was even sweeter than the crunchtacular (adjective invention!) apple i had a couple of days earlier. This just brings me to the issue of confidence, that there is nothing we need to focus on changing when it comes to ourselves. We are all apples, we all age the same way and we all end up with basically the same signs  (wrinkles, arthrightis, senility if were lucky) and even though we may not taste the same we still have all the wonderful things inside us that make us apples. I dont need to work to be more red or to have more seeds because maybe im supposed to be a sweeter apple as opposed one thats more red. I don’t need to try and obtain the ‘apple’ flavor from somewhere else because God created me with everything already.

This time its for real… its been too long. Its time to stop being petty about things and just do it. Stop trying to manage my life all the time and just give more of myself away. There are gonna be times when i feel like my life isnt my own anymore and im pretty sure thats a good thing. After all, it wasn’t mine to begin with. Its time to give my control away and allow God to take control. THAT, is what i like to think strength really looks like.

*apologies for the ‘soapbox’ rant everyone. I can almost promise im not as gung-ho as im making myself out to be… but i find the more i say something out loud to myself the easier it is to believe it the next time. Kinda like when you watch ‘Nightmare of Elm Street’ for the first time and repeat: “it’s only a movie, it’s only a movie..” I can promise you all that tomorrows post is going to be a lot more light hearted and full of childlike exuberance… mostly because its Sunday and thats the day i muster up the energy to make some pancakes for breakfast after church. Also, new church/new message being brought tomorrow…. so be prepare for some good news! Until then, sleep well and stay strong. Know that your the cream in the Oreo…. the best part!

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

Time flies, fun or not.

11 09 2009

Four things were realized today; the firt being that im a scourge on the Blogsphere with the lack of postage. My apologies to my many readers (i know your there) who click on the ‘Manorexic’ to no new avail. I can only say that i will attempt to be a better poster and not leave you all hanging so much.

Secondly and Thirdly for that matter; today is 9/11 and does everyone else remember where they were when ‘IT’ happened? I was in gym class my sophomore year of high school. This was eight YEARS ago! Where has the time gone? I also got the notion of fleeting time and change when i went to see ‘9’ yesterday. P.S., if you did want to do a movie this weekend then hit up the movie 9. Not only is it awesome and post apocolyptic, but its Citizen friggin Kane compared to Sorority Row (for sure). Howev-sies, it got me thinking of the beginning of this year when i was knee deep in my disordered behavior and saw the teaser trailer for this movie with my friend ‘A’. I remember leaning over and telling her i cannot wait to see this with her… and now i dont even live in the same state, or even the same time zone. I also remember the light at the end of the tunnel, the prospect of a new and disorder-free year. Yeah… not so much the ladder. Which reminds me… the doctor happens again today. whoo hoo? Heres hoping it goes well… will keep you posted by posting.

Last bit… then some good stuff. Now, even though iv’e been MIA i have been keeping up with others around the Blogshpere and have noticed a recent theme of “who are you?” What are the wonderful things that make this man different and special from that man. What are te things that make me happiest that i should ENJOY filling my day with rather than feel obligated to? I pray daily to get closer to the purpose God has for my life and that i will have the foresight and the submission to follow Him. I feel like im not submitting fully though cause im still pre-occupied thinking about what i want to do with my life, what im passionate about, blah-dy, blah-dy, blah-dy, BLAH! (‘Amanda Show’ reference). Then, a post from a certain Evil Genius asking the same ‘Who am I?’ question, which was the straw that broke the camels back. After deep thought i decided the only things to do about it were to pray about it and reflect.

All i can say is, Thank goodness for Myspace for keeping a record for me before i knew i was going to need one. It would seem i haven’t checked it since the year 2007, its also the last entry i wrote for anything before i started spiraling into the ‘dark place’ (LOTR reference). Also, oddly enough, it has a list of things that make me happy and after reading it i must agree. Not only did the list include pancakes and breaking down to buy season 3 of Lost but there were: Baking, gift giving, trying on jackets that fit, playing the guitar, hearing people laugh, having a clean room, the five minutes after a workout, vulcan video, all music before 1991 on the radio, white teas and yogurt parfaits, cereal, songwriting, jamba juice, bike riding, the perfect omelete, exact change, unicorns, the ice at which wich, one blone streak in a girls hair and answering the movie quote at Amy’s ice cream. Phew, are you happy yet?

What does this tell me? I know that im friendly and tend to put others before myself. I like to be creative and laugh and am a bit of a perfectionist. It also shows me why i fell into this pit in the first place. Note, does anyone see God on this list? Neither do i. Ergo, i was focussing on people rather than Him (not a good idea).

Now, some good stuff. Submission. We’ve gone over loosing yourself to Christ and be risen as a new creation but there is still the possibility of going down this road for selfish reasons. For me, it was caring/worrying about the future and not fully as a form of submission to Him. My advice to you and myself (especially the ladder) is to stop focussing on ourselves/what a stoopid disorder makes us and work more towards forgetting all that. Today is the first day where we can start fresh and give it all up to God and allow im to be out puppet master. This does NOT mean that your going to be some mindless bible-carrying zombie… quite the opposite. I believe that God will enrich our lives fully and lead us to a place where we find out who we truly are and not what distorted thoughts tell us. To finally get better (whatever that means) and start LIVING again, rather than simply taking up more space. It’s scary and things are going to change and be weird. I like to think of it as going on a long hike with a big napsack, you take atuff out and put new and more essential stuff in, the bag changes shape but becomes more essential and functional as a result… it becomes an essential, rather than a, accessory. So, go and enjoy today…. enjoy it to the fullest. Then have some pancakes and think of yours truly. Maybe these! .

“I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, (Ephesians 1:18)”

Best part of waking up…

9 09 2009

… is soldiers in your cup (said the little boy who just woke mom up with a mug full of little green men). I always thought this was cute and it stuck with me, dont ask me why.

So, last sunday was church and let me tell you that God was doing something awesome! There was an alter call that must have led up about 50 people at least, then… right before the pastor closed the service he stopped and said “God was telling him to put it on pause”. All of a sudden like ten more people ran up to get saved… we gladly waited. The message he gave was also ten types of inspirational and (again) exactly what this man needed to hear at the end of another trying and distracting week. Will go into the message more later but be prepared for the word ‘choice’ to be used a lot.

This post, however, is just going to be a little blip on the radar, if you will… which leads me to my next question:

How do YOU start your mornings?

For me i find it best to start off with a little bit of prayer and perspective each morning. Nothing like bowing at the altar and going through a half hour devotional (but if you have time, more power to you), but something just thanking God for another day of adventure where anything can happen. Some may call this corny, but i see it as picking out the silver lining early in the day. Finding a little bit of a purpose no matter how short term it might be… this keeps me rom falling into the dreaded: “your not good enough” slump which is typical in dealing with this beeotch disorder. It also helps to find the purpose for my day and be a little more driven/improve my outlook when things go awry… which i know they will at some point. If you dont have a ‘morning routine’ as of now try one and see if it works for you, if nothing else it will give you something nice to talk about at your next cocktail party.

*note: i also tried a bit of yoga this morning as a loosener/ a bit of physical activity to start my day… will update more on that one later.

Goal Update: Did up the calories yesterday… didnt count but added anoter snack and felt good about it. Also, while i didnt go to the gym for a formal workout I have donated much of my stuff to the salvation army so now someone can use my old pots and pans (hardly used, i think we can assume why)

The energy is still a little low but i guess that means i need to eat more during the day. Speaking of which…. will talk to you all soon!

“There’s only us, there’s only this, no day but today.”    -Rent:The Musical

Okay, whenever your ready…

6 09 2009

Does anyone else feel like they say this Ump-teen million times during rcovery? I counted 16 since I turned my computer on. After a week of feeling like a waste of skin (chilling at the house all day – other than the internship) i weigh in today and it turns out i lost! Heres the kicker though… im still having to tell myself that i dont want that anymore. Those of you that have read the story tab above will understand why this is a challenge. More importantly than the loss, however, i had to figure out the WHY. Do i ust want to be the person who can maintain a low weight for the rest of my life? Is this really a trait thats admirable to people? I dont know about you but every job application, personality test, even an E-Harmony account does not give you a space to indicate how low of a weight you are and how long youv’e hovered there. So, why am I contiuning to treat it as something good?

After some ‘alone time’ combined with a fair amount of prayer out loud I noticed that im anxious about a lot of things. Job, money, school, family, the future… it scares the crap out of me. Now, since iv’e cut out the gym, i have the aniousness of me balooning back up to my old overweight self. Not to mention the anxiousness I feel having to eat every three hours in front of a family who skip breakfast and fast all day until lunch. I mean… their my FAMILY and I still stress about them juding my eating habits. Why do i care so much? After realizing all this it didnt take me long to find the common thread that these are all things that i cannot control, even though i would like to. Then, like a flash, im remembering one mof my favorite passages from Matthew telling us to: “not worry about tomorrow because it will take care of itself… you have enough to worry about today.” Subsequently i decided to pop in my Oliver and Company DVD and sing along with ‘Why Should I Worry’ at the top of my lungs.

One down!!!!!!! But there was something else picking at me, that something was motivation. I read a lot of people talking about: taking trips, finally going to college, getting back into sports, etc. This was something that i couldnt relate to, as far as im concerened the future just looks like more of the present…. kinda like a chase sequence in an old Hanna Barbarra cartoon where the just loop the same background over and over again. The good Lord shut me up real quick with the strangest angel in the world…. the supernanny marathon.


Whoa, sorry about that. Anyhoo, watching these dads that need to get with the program concerning their kids got me looking over to my mother saying: “I am gonna be such a great dad.” I mean, how could i not be? I love cartoons and video games, not to mention im a way better listener than a talker and one heck of a gift giver. However, instead of the resounding “yes, you will!” from momsie I got a ‘ uh-huh.’ Now, to me this implied that i would be a horrible dad which started to offend me, until i realized i can barely take care of myself.  God forbid my kids would want me to pick them up and play ‘airplane’ with them or something physical like that since i get tired easily. Not to mention it takes me 2 hours to prepare and eat a meal sometimes (during which i shall NOT be disturbed). What kind of dad  person is like this normally? Nobody i want raising my kids. Not to mention having kids is something that takes ‘two to tango’ which also proves difficult at the moment. So… i hung onto this today. Thought about the kids that deserve a great dad and being the kind of father that would be the envy of the Supernanny world…. sure enough it was easier to eat what i wanted and throw anxious food thoughts to the wind.

So… with a goal in mind i set up some new challenges for the week.

  • eat at LEAST 2500 cals a day and go from there
  • ONLY go to the gym when i want and not because i need to
  • not eat the same thing three days in a row
  • spend more time reading and less time watching Supernanny
  • get adequate sleep (7-8 hours)

These are gonna be epic, i can feel it. The trick is actually doing it rather than waiting for someone else to do it for me. Time to ‘man up’ in a sense. So… that is what i plan to do.

What drives and motivates you?” Be honest and hang onto this for dear life!

Addicts Prayer.

4 09 2009

I like to try and stay in communication with God throughout the day, or at least i would like to. Times like these makes me want to invent the Pew-Tooth that you just wear in your ear and keep talking to God during the day whle other people look at you like your crazy. Or, answer you when you say something because they think your talking to them. Either way, there needs to be more prayer in my life – technology or not. There are, however, certain times where prayer is a must: first thing in the morning, times of trial, when wonderful things happen and when i open the fridge. The last one may seen out of place but thats because there is one prayer i found from the show ‘The Cleaner’ that i felt was applicable at least one tim everyday.

“God, I offer myself to you–to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of your Power, your Love, and your Way of life.”

Apparently its known as the ‘addicts prayer’ and is also part of the 12 Steps. Keep in mind i found this out after i looked it up to post it and am not willingly stealing from random recovery programs and pasting them together as my own. I actually dont have a set process and am spending more time praying over it. This leads me to thinking that perhaps i do need to be a bit more active sometimes. I mean, God can give me a comb but won’t comb my hair for me. Something to think about…… but, until then i couldn’t leave you without a little something. So think of this as the salad before the meal, just getting warmed up for something awesome!