But tonight… is the night… when two become one

16 10 2009

Spice girls, classic.

Anyway, this one is going to be a quickie but one that you NEED TO READ! Remember the whole ‘anonimity topic’? Well, then its time to come clean and divulge the other blog i write. One reason why I do not post as much as i would like is because there is another blog i write for that is very different from this one (concentrates more on funniness that seriousness). But, i decided that a tru man cannot live divided and will be putting more of both worlds into one blog. So, join me at panclayke.blogspot.com and follow me on a truly ‘Mantastic Voyage’

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Losing and Gaining.

11 10 2009

-NOTE: THIS POST IS NOT ABOUT WEIGHT-

Some may notice that there is a level of anonimity on this blog. No, i am not a superhero or a spy… although that would be beyond awesome. Something of a pirate/ninja/spy. In fact, either one of those three would be alright with me. What was i saying? Oh yeah, the anonimity.

Well, i don’t view myself as me right now. I mean, i am always me… there is no other person i could be. But the thoughts that swim in my head and the attitude i have towards the things i do and the motivation i have to do those things…. its someone who i do not know and, more important, someone who i do not want to be. There is a me that I did like. He was fifty pounds heavier, snacked all throughout the day on things like fruit and the occasional muffin, he loved movies and playing video games. He would stay up late and not fret about where he was going and didn’t only have people calling him because they were worried about him. That is the person i miss and that is the person i would like to still be…

The catch is, that person is behind me. The more I think about him the more i get discouraged. Like when you had the high score in on the Pac Man machine in the skating rink and all of a sudden old Mr. Blunton traded it for Marvel vs. Capcom. It may be more familiar to say: “you never knew what you have until you lose it.” That, right there, is the reason why i am typing on the keyboard right now. I can dwell in the past until im blue in the face and ill still be in the same place I am now, watching the salt episode of ‘Good Eats’ on the couch at three in the morning, wide awake since i have the worst insomnia known to man. No, the key is to forget all that, ar rather… put it behind you. Once that is done it will be easier to 1)welcome the fututre and 2)allow God to take control of everything in our lives. And i do mean ev-er-y-thing.

The latter is where i lack, im not gonna lie. This hit me tonight like a punch in the face. I noticed i put on a good face of ‘letting go and letting God’ but i still do not trust Him as fully as i should. Let me explain, ill start and end everyday telling God that the day belings to Him and praying that His name would be glorified, give that an hour at the most and i fall into the trap of trusting only what is tangeble again…. which, sadly, in the imperfetion that is man.

I can tell im starting to ramble a bit and not making much sense so im gonna end on a couple of notes before i start talking about the similarities between my life and the Chronicles of Narnia. So, lately i have been feeling a little bit low recently and I cannot come to the reason why. Some of me thinks it could be the aura of October, another thinks it could e the result of a hectic home life, there is even a small part that thinks its because im still not eating enough and my body is undernourished and irritated. All three may be true, but whatever it is  must remember that it may be a testing time but the test comes from the almighty. It may not be fair and may seem like the test im taking right now was one that i am unprepared for, but that is when we learn the most and, therefore, grow the most. The trick is to not fall into the trap of thinking there is something we can so about it… because there is nothing we can do at all. It makes sense logically:

  • God wants us closer to Him
  • He is, therfore, going to test us in order to lead us more to Him
  • If there was someone on earth who could solve our problems we would not only end up thanking them rather than God, but also just falling into a greater reliance on temporal and fleeting things… the things of the world.

God, i pray i would remember you are in control and that i would take that to heart. Prepare my heart to surrender to you and give up all that is myself. I pray i could stop getting in my own way and stop trying to constantly swim upstream… trying to solve my own problems… resulting in my own futility. I pray that my life would gorify Your name and live a life that is pleasing to you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Also, to digress… dont forget to check out Ellie’s giveaway. Do it now and thank me later.





I LOVE KUNG FUUUUUUUU!

2 10 2009

Don’t you love it when a movie from childhood has a wonderful life lesson? Well, thats the way i felt today while i was watching Kung Fu Panda. Granted, this movie is not from my childhood, but I still love it and feel a little inspired everytime i watch it… and i think thats what makes any movie wonderful.

The first thing I noticed as I was watching it was how nobody thought the panda was the dragon warrior when he was initially chosen. Why… well, the word ‘fat’ came up more often than not. Uncool, and wrong at the same time. Im not sure if any of you remember, but the main reason why he wins the epic fight at the end of the film is because he DOES have a little meat on his bones. If you don’t know why then, well…. i guess you just found a reason to make a trip to blockbuster. Either way, watching it reminds me how cruel society can be. You look at the tabloids and people are either one of three things: Anorexic, Fat or a cover story. It seems as though your not supposed to be fat or skinny but the ideal bullseye. How friggin hard is it to hit a bullseye anyway, no wonder the country is either looking to lose or gain weight…. everyone is working to throw their darts at the bullseye and nobody is hitting it except whoevers on the cover of Cosmo this month. It also brings back memories of childhood when the playground kids all decided to gang up on the fat kid. I swear, sometimes i wish they could have filed in one at a time as I lie on my back in the hospital hooked up to a heart rate monitor since my body was barely able to keep it beating. Again, uncool. I assure you future children of mine, you are going to be loved no matter what you look like and if I EVER catch you making fun of someone overweight i am going to whip the belt off so quick you won’t know what hit you.

The other part of the movie that I felt awesome watching was when Poe (the panda) finds out there is no secret ingredient to Kung Fu, it is only you. This i both agreed and disagreed with simultaneouly. I know that nothing can be ‘found’ when it comes to recovery. I cannot tell you all how many websites iv’e visited, people iv’e talked with, books ive read, journal pages ive written when it comes to what to eat and when and what time. There was a point where it became something of a job. I would wake up with the goal to find the ‘cure’, newsflash… there is none. Life would be so much easier sometimes if God just had a man-ual on how o live the perfect life… but we were give that wonderful free will so that got thrown out the window a long time ago. It took me a while to realize that ‘there is no secret ingredient’ and the only one that can make/motivate me to get better is myself. That said, i do not agree at it begins and ends there. The best progress i have made in my reovery has been when i have had a focus on God. Before, when i would rely on friends and even my family they would eventually let me down and i would sink deeper into my disordered thought of: The reason they didnt ‘want’ to be around me is because i wasn’t thin/good enough. Who the hell thinks like that? Honestly… one of the best times i can remember is when i was still technically overweight. I had the energy to work out, attended church, had a great girlfriend and was even referred to as a ‘leading man’ by a couple people. At this time there was a variable that eventually gat thrown by the wayside and that was church. Falling out of touch with God led to an increased reliance on people and resulted in the self destruction that was my disorder. Now, im looking to concentrate more of God and living in Him… fulfilling His purpose for my life and i am, therefore, in a way beter place recovery-wise.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heartand lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,and he will make your paths straight. (Pro 3:5)

So, whats the ultimate answer? There IS no secret ingredient and one must learn to lean on themselves in order to fully ‘recover’, if there is such a thing. However, there is a variable that motivates everyone differently. Some choose to get stronger for a new job, starting college, to have children, health reasons… whatever the motivation/variable is know that the result is always the same

Life. (<– worth it)

What’s your motivation?

Till next time men (and women), stay strong and know that there is more out there for you. I promise

 





God’s Magna Doodle.

29 09 2009

Growing up I loved the magna doodle. I would spend hours drawing nothing because most of the doodling was spent trying to learn why those gray cubes were going black. How do they dooo itttt? Well, at least it was easy to erase any mistakes. I quick swipe and all mistakes were gone, a blank canvas and a whole realm of new possibilities. It’s almost inspiring in a way. In fact, i think thats why we loved the old ‘magna’ so much, the whole “go ahead and make mistakes” attitude totally took the pressure off. Not like those friggin creepy crawlers. I swear, eek the goo over the mold a little bit and BOOM! now nobody will ever know whether or not its a spider or a cockroach… good luck trying to scare someone with that.

Anyhoo, this morning I was fortunate enough to be able to start the day with the tude of the doodle as I got to see the sunrise over the ocean. Let me lett you that a new sun, over calm seas is what I believe to be God’s magna doodle. His reset button, if you will. The second i thought about this all i could do was be hopeful for a good day. Walking away from the beach with reassurance that God is in control and there is no mistake He cannot overlook. All the sins and indiscretions ive committed in the past and will commit in the future (im not perfect, i know this to be true). However, i know He is a God of mercy and grants the gift of salvation whether i screw up once or one thousand times.

Why the ramblings? Because this attitude carried through my entire day. I dont think ive left the house longer than 30 minutes today and normally that is the prime oppotunity for the disordered thoughts to start creeping in from around the corner. But not today. Why? because i started my day knowing God had forgotten my past and it would be stoopid of me to dwell on something that apparently doesn’t matter anyway. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is uncertain. Life is today, and its looking to be a beautiul day at that.

*I baked muffins today and they were awesome. I already had three… but i think ill attack the gimpy one before i go to sleeps.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matt 6:34)





Holy Monday, Batman!

28 09 2009

Why the apparent Batman reference? Cause its Monday and noting says monday like HEROES!!! Im so glad they stopped time traveling all over the place. Im not gonna lie… it was getting a little hard to follow at some points, thank goodness for Hulu!

Today i was walking out of the house on my way to work (My day starts at 4) took all my vitamins and headed out the door. Then i grabbed the typical Clif Bar breakfast and was going for an apple as a snack… then I remembered a movie preview i saw the other day for ‘Whip It’. Have you heard of it? Well, its got Ellen Paige (Juno) Drew Barrymore and Juliette Lewis (Dusk till Dawn) and tons of other beauties playing the roles of roller-derby girls. HOTTTTT! Then, to add to the adoration, the tagline was: “Put on some skates and be your own hero”. See, Ellen Paige is looking to find her place in the world and is inspired by the roller girls. She pulls one aside and says that they just became her hero. Then comes the tag and the “O-Shoot” moment. This is what i thought of when i put down the apple and picked up another Clif before going to work to eat in the car. Why? Because it was time to be my own hero or the day. To not start breakfast with some small peice of fruit because it’s “safe” and to have something thats tasty and healthy at the same time. Cals be Damned! I continued the trend of self-heroism by not counting dinner cals and just cooking. Just going in the kitchen and seeing what was going on and what looked good. This spelled pulled port sandwich with a sweet potato and broccoli. I apologize for not taking a pic but take my word that it was awesome beyond awesome! I am becomming a fan of not using ‘reduced cal’ BBQ sauces like whoa, and you know how Vegans put avocado on everything? There is a reason — it.is.delicious! Cream Cheese and mayo can bite my crank, avo is the way to go!

On the ‘trigger’ front… her name is mom. Yesterday it would seem the comment of the evening was: “Get an ass”. good times. I especially loved how it was said in response to ”I need to get some sleep” (like i said, work starts at 4). I dont know if she is TRYING to motivate me to restrict my food and go back to being in the hospital again… and believe me, i thought about it. But not this time, cause its different now. Before i would text everyone in the phone book asking them to come out and chill and just end up going for a hot tea alone until four in the morning because i dont deserve something as nice as sleep. This time i asked the question: “Really? Is that your voice? Do you want that? Or do you want to read a few chapters in John and get some sleep so you can have energy tomorrow?” It feel awesome to be in a blanket cocoon p.s.. Thank goodness i went to bed too, cause there was a new girl in the office this morning and i needed to dole out the charm like my last name was Gray and i had a really ugly portrait in the attic (Picture of Dorian Gray? PICK UP A BOOK!).

So, i guess thats about it. There was some moderate/embarassing gym escapades as well… but we can save those for another post entitied: ‘Yes, that is the Spice Girls on my Ipod.’ But before i leave you im going to take a cue from my girl Katie and list three things I am thankful about today.

  1. The rain made it really peaceful when i was watching Scrubs and relaxing earlier.
  2. I baked some awesome muffins and have found a new use for baby food.
  3. The Maple Nut Clif Bar tastes like a pancakes…. with pecan pralines in it.

OH MAN… im gonna jot this part quick. So im watching Heroes and there is a new character today. Im not sure what her power is as of yet but she is a Deaf woman who apparently sees sounds as colors (as opposed to hearing them). Now, im not sure how this is a power… but they just played a wonderous scene of her picking up a cello and going to town. Not only were the colors emanating from the cello awesome but the music was just as beautiful. To see something like that on two fronts got me thinking of another movie quote: “Sometimes there is so much beauty in the world, i feel like i cant take it.”(American Beauty). This normally wouldn’t efect me in the least, im a MAN after all. The kind that invented the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn! However, being a musician i can relate to this scene and appreciate the beauty they were working to produce on the ABC channel. I do believe that God placed me on this earth to share this gift with the world and the fact that I ruined a whole lot of what was shaping to be a wonderful reputation and skill with the insatiable desire to be thin makes me sad all day. No more… im taking a cue from ABC and am going to be my own hero. Clif-man…. or something like that

Okay… im really gonna go this time. Stay strong men and know that through Him… all things are possible. Amen.





Declarations and Ch-Ch-Changes (said like Bowie)

27 09 2009

Well Hello, Hello, Hello. And how are we doing this wonderful sunday? Things have been changing on the man front recently and i thought i would do a quick post-ski about wha they are and the meaning behind them. Yes, there is a method to the madness.

First off, there is the title of the Blog. Not to say it wasn’t brilliant to begin with but i felt that it was something that would push people away when the purpose was intended to support others. Hopefully the new one will allow people to feel a bit more alleviated with regard to chatting it up and sharing hard times. Which brings me to why i started the blog in the first place.

-I started this because, while i was struggling with getting better/stronger/more awesome (struggling, being the key word) i would spend hours entering words into google searching for a male support group for Eating Disorders. I dont know if it was just the central Texas area… but there was nothing to be found. I did have a couple close friends who had been through the same stuff and were ‘recovered’, but they were women. Now, while i am not sexist… nor a fan thereof, I do know that coming back from the pit is apples and oranges when it comes to men and women. I decided i could either A) keep complaining about it or B) get a wordpress account and be my own hero. Granted, im not there yet and I do not claim to be. However, my journey through the pit will hopefully inspire others to know that recovery is possible when you have the Lord behind you. And let me tell you something… the only time He is no there is when you choose not to look.

-Lastly, I like to think of myself as a rubix cube. There are many sides of me and a lot of variety… and i’m always different depending on the angle your looking from. What does this mean? Well, im a barrel full of: dreams, goals, skills, emotions, anecdotes, opinions and idiosyncracies that I look forward to sharing with each anf every one of you. That being said… remember that it is not so much as who the man is, but rather who the man becomes. Another way would be to say “It’s not where you start, its where you finish.”

That being said, join me on day one of a makeover and a new motivation. Also, i pledge to incorporate a few photos and a heck of a lot more diversity. Until then, ill leave you with this;

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. ” (Phillipians 4:13)





Its not just about eating…

23 09 2009

To be honest i wish to God that it was. If that was the only case then i would have been better immediately, and to be honest i thought i would be over a year ago when i was first diagnosed. But, thats not the case. This whole thing did not just happen… it was a culmination of a whole bunch of personality traits that evolved over time and now its time to let all those things go.

One thing i noticed was that i have trouble sharing… but only when someone doesnt ask me. Now, granted, when someone you dont know takes a soda out of your fridge or a few DVD’s off the bookcase without asking you then there is definitley some vindication behind pulling that person aside and asking them politely to ask the next time. But, with me, I realized that I only need people to ask me because I want the gratitude. I have this NEED to be thanked to the point of it being ridiculous for something super small (like sharing my popcorn at the movies… or letting my parents eat out of one of ‘my bowls’). This is and indication to me that i need to learn to be safe and strong ALONE, without the constant comparison to others around me. Honestly, this is something i have struggled with constantly over the past three years and i know that one of the reasons it has lingered for so long is because it is one of the hardest things to let go. Letting go of the control and allowing myself the security to tell myself ‘thank you’ and be okay with that?! Surely i jest. Well, i jest you not… and don’t call me surely.

Today was also an audition for an upcomming performance at my church. I dont think its gonna go down the way i wanted it to. They had me come in and read a monologue for this character desmond… right off the bat it felt wierd. I felt disconnected and unfocussed… something i attributed to being tired. Now, i do wake up at Four for work… but i know i would have had some reserve fuel in the tank were this the before ‘you know what’. The thing is, i know this to be true but i hear the voice in the back of y head telling me to stop making excuses… accept that im not as good as I think i am sometimes. But, im choosing to disagree today….. I know that i am talented and that God put me on this earth to perform and inspire others through laughter. This was taken away from me once and i will NOT let it happen again. The funny thing was (more funny looking back) that after the monologue the directed had me read for a past version of the character where he’s addited to drugs. At first I think… “Smaller role… NO WAY!”, then i looked at my reflection in the glass door on the way out and said: “i would cast you the same way”. Also… another instance of the ‘Its all about ME’ happening. Both are something i would rather live without and both are being fought against as we speak. How? Lets just say im doing a hoooge favor for my parents and will NOT seek retribution or constant thanking by everyone other than myself, and i am also going to go out of my way tomorrow and most likely be prepping myself for fatigue x 10 by driving like 40 miles to read for the smaller part tomorrow. You need to build a wall one brick at a time… and today is the first brick.

What are the traits that trigger you? How are you gonna kick those traits in the face?”

Fear not men, there is a siver lining along these clouds of self discovery. I notice that it was easy to identify what voices in my head dont really sound like mine anymore… and its those that im stabbing in the face with a sodering iron. I know because its the same one that tells me I can fix something by restriction… or doing another rep in the weightroom. Each day is hard, but taking care of myself makes each day a little easier as well. We are all capable of hearing these voices and saying no…. you know who has a louder voice AND a megaphone? You guessed it, thanks be to God.

*note: A friend traveled to London last year and brought me back some granola bars that had been dipped in Green and Blacks Dark Chocolate that I kept in the fridge because i couldnt understand how to read the nutrition information. I had one of the bars today and i was SO UPSET! I waited this long to eat this wonderful wonderous wonder?! Shame on me… shame on me indeed. What does this mean for you? It means that you should have a snack this week because it tastes good and for that reason only. Let me know what you have and how GOOOOOOD it was… im curious.

(Notice the new ‘verse of the day’ that just started happening too! Have a blessed day!)





Quickie and a Challenge.

22 09 2009

Get your mind out of the gutter readers. Im not gonna lie though, i expect alot of new readers in response to this title…. let the experiment begin!

But before that, allow me to make a few notes of the day before i have to hit the pillow with a vengence (curse you early hours!!!). Yes, must go back to work tomorrow and, sadly, did not sleep well at all and am having some trouble keeping my eyes open as it is. The Office is good but the nightly marathons have not. Which, was the case last night.

Therefore you can imagine my tiredness when i awoke this morning. Normally im all for my usual bowl of oats with nuts and fruit coupled with the ever-faithul banana. However, i could not be expected to operate anything involving a burner in my tired state so i had to re-vamp. This is where the debate always happens, am i right.

is that going to be enough. But thats not a whole grain. Your gonna put too much peanut butter on if you have the toast with it. and who can forget the oldie but goodie: there’s sugar in that… TOO MUCH SUGAR!!”

Im not gonna lie, i was upset with myself that i was even having those thoughts to begin with. Its like, you already learned to ride a bike and you all of a sudden forget how and fall in the neighbors bushes. Luckily though, i stepped off the bike for one second and noticed that the kickstand accidently got knocked down cause i had to put on new bicycle shorts this morning. All it too was a flick of the foot and the daily ride was on like Donkey Kong. Basically… the chopped apple and cherries mixed with jogurt and cinnamon toast crunch was friggin delicious, and the banana was right there ready to help him cross the finish line.

The moral of the story? Changing up the routine is the spice of life, and is there is anything i hate… its a life that makes you get up from the table and get the salt shaker just to make it more pallatable. Am i gonna go there again? You know it. Am i gonna change it up again? You bet… depending on what im craving that morning. Frankly, im excited.

Next up… the Challenge – Baking. You heard me right… MAN-BAKING. Its something I never dove into just for me since it always felt too ‘indulgent’ to make a plate of MAN-ana Nut Muffins just for me. But, i think that there may just be a time where i want a nice snack-ski of muffin goodness. Plus, while i do like to eat healthy and make sure im not only putting enough fuel in the tank… but also quality fuel. Premium rather than regular. But, it is nice to have something sweet every now and again and chicks dig a guy who can bake! I have choosen some Man-ana Nut Muffins and will let you know how they turn out.

“What are you baking this week?”

Until next time men… stay strong and do NOT succumb to the Office and get some sleep. Take care of yourselves and know that YOU are life’s secret ingredient….. despite what ‘kung fu Panda’ may have taught us.





20 09 2009

Insomnia has been kicking me in the face lately. It’s strange, i can sleep on a couch or i can sleep on a tile floor and once I even fell asleep on a bench at the Y; but i cannot get comfortable in my own bes in my life depended on it. I hear this is normal when your not eating enough though (reversing effect from the thanksgiving nap one always suffers) or maybe its due to an urge to constantly be doing something productive. Either way… it almost made me late for church this morning. Thank goodness I go to the campus thats a LOT closer than the one i used to go to…. otherwise I would not have made it and had to walk in late. I mean… i know theyr’e NOT judging me, but it always feels like everyone there was about to hear the secret to happiness and the sound of the door clicking shut behind you (which is NEVER louder than when your late!) interrupted everything. Either way… i was on time, hoping nobody minded that i had yet to brush (teeth or hair).

Church was, once again, God inspired. I am not sure who gave the almighty the Sparknotes to my life but He totally has my number to a ‘T’. However, before we get down to the meat… here are some potatoes.

This week was brought to you by nightmares of ringing phones. I answer them for work and have had some trouble recently being as ‘efficient’ as everyone at the workplace would like. It turned out to be one of those catch 22’s, where if I was quick I was being rude… but if i was polite i was slowing e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g down. It got to a point where I was having nightmare that a phone with 30 seperate lines had constant incoming calls and I could never get them to stop ringing. I think in the nightmare i ended up going insane and rocking back and forth like Leo DiCaprio in that movie where someone was eating grapes…… i forget the name. Thankfully, a balance has been the focus of this week and progress has been made. Im learning that I need a hiearchy and adhere to that. Making sure the callers are put on hold and therefore secured, then (since we have them there) i can take a little more time with them which allows me to concentrate more and be a little more polite.

*This may be one of the most arbitrary things you have ever read, and props for making it this far, but i assure you…. When you work for a 300lb Itallian gentleman who has the stature of an Ent (LOTR Reference!) and a gaze that would choke Vader…. you want to do a good job.

Work-life aside, the doctor visit happened this week as well. Ill spare you figures and other nerd aspects we all know and love but the bottom line is that the heart rate is slow, im anemic, and the nurse was amazed that I walked in that morning. Then…. if that wasn’t enough of a wake up call, a friend at work (the only one who didn’t repremand me for the phone debocle) pulled me aside on Friday to say: “So…. my girlfriend thinks you have an eating disorder. She’s a therapist and wanted to me let you know you gotta be careful with that stuff.” I was seriously floored, what do you say to that? Have you ever been humiliated/self conscious/insecure/afraid/angry/sad and had an urge to flee all at the same time? You know when your mother tells you from across the busy Target sales floor that you need to check your fly? Its kinda like that. After a few seconds that seemed to linger like cigarette smoke in a noir film, he got called into the other room and I got yelled at cause the phones were ringing. It was the only time this week where having trouble with the calls was a good thing.

You would think all this would be enough but the icing on the cake this week too the shape of family members who could have been ticketed for CUI( criticizing under the influence) who decided to claim i recently went vegan just so i could cut foods out of my diet. Now, ill admit, that particular undertone did exist when the decision was made. But, aside from having problems finding places to eat out, i agree with the ethics and philosphy behind them. Not to mention i am now the only person in the house who knows how to: prepare a squash, make a bolognese from scratch, prepare guacamole an salsa from scratch and make banana nut bread sans the cholesterol and the partially hydrodgenated oil. Do i avoid junk/fried foods? Yes, i feel i owe it to my body to treat it well after i wronged it for so long. However, do i avoid nuts and avocados since their high in fats and fruits since their high in sugar? What about brown rice and pasta since it had more carbs and eating out in any setting since I dont know how somethings prepared? Surely I still feel the urge to stay up for four hours to walk three miles on the treadmill after i had a cup of melon and some egg whites, right? NO! I strive to live healthy and balanced, and make sure I take care of myself in order to achieve my goals and no longer freak out when one day doesn’t go as planned….. and dont call me ‘surely’ (Airplane Reference!)

Still there? I applaud/love you…. now ill leave you with the meat and leave you surf the facebook (guilty!)

Who is your enemy? For some it might be a boss, a family member, or a co-worker who strips you in the worplace. However, there is also: anger, bitterness, insecurity, fear, stubbornness or jealousy. Sometimes, to quote my favorite Lit song, ‘I am my own worst enemy’. However, it goes even deeper than that as feelings like these need to come from somewhere… somewhere tempting and decieving, that place is hell and the enemy is… well, you get it. And this enemy wants nothing less than to devour you. But dont worry, we know how he does it. The first way is Pride.

The Enemy seeks to devour you through Pride. This sounds strange, out of everything that could be used by the enemy. However, when dealing with ed (<– thinking of a new nickname for this) it is a sin we know all too well. I remember there were SOOOO many times where I would ‘forget’ i has plans with someone, i would have an ’emergency’ while out for dinner and would have to leave before we even ordered. And i wouldn’t be caught dead going salsa dancing since it ‘wasn’t my scene’. Rather, MY scene was lying in bed with no energy watching Little Miss Sunshine for the ninth time and drinking an entire two liter of Moutain Dew in the span of an hour so it would fill my stomach with something. My scene was sitting alone in the university coffeehouse hunched over a laptop since i had another project i took on myself that i HAD to get done. And eventually, my scene was a bed in the ICU.

Think of the word ‘pride’ as synonymous with ‘my way’. I need money so im gonna do it my way and job hunt. I need this money since my rent is higher now because i cant stand roommates since i need to live my way. I gonna do this, this and this my way… because my way is the best way. Someone else thought this right before getting tossed out of heaven. The name Lucifer ring a bell? How about Adam and Eve? “I know God told me not to, but im gonna choose what to eat…. and choose my way.” When we stop focussing on ourselves out gaze falls upon those who benefit from it, we are able to focus our love on others. We are able to focus on Him and know that He has out best intrest at heart and will take care of us regardless of our sin. We are able to focus on others and stop focussing and obsessing with insipid things like: weight, how our clothes fit, how muscular/lean we are or how much we get to the gym compared to others around us. Starting to make sense?

The Lord takes care of the pigeons in the sky and keeps them in the air as long as He wants. He allows the ants to rebuild their homes within the week after they had the hose turned on them. He as counted the hairs on your head and the lashes on your eyelid and has a plan for you from day one. There is nothing to be afraid of, there is nothing to be anxious over. ‘Fear does not exist in this Dojo, does it? – NO SENSEI! (Karate Kid Reference!)

Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.               (1Pet 5:5-7)





Mission Statement

20 09 2009

During college we were assigned a case study of a theater in the United States. Upon finishing the presentations i found half the assignment being that we could learn the differences between theaters/where we may have wanted to work someday. Now, there were vast differences between theaters in La Jolla, CA and Chicago, IL… but there some noticeable similarities that this man believes should carry over to normal AND business life. The main similarity being a ‘Mission Statement’. Just for elaboration, a Mission Statement is defined here as: “A statement of goals, aspiritions, main values and social responsibility.” (Note: Many thanks to Caitlin for inspiring me to write this bad boy).

Mission Statement: I will live my life for God, following the path He has set out for me without questioning and assurance that He will take care of me. I will always treat those around me as I would like to be treated, while remembering to take care of myself. Therefore, I will equip myself physically, mentally and emotionally in order to have the strength to enjoy the path I am desitined to travel.

I am defined by my faith and compassion for others. Ergo, I will strive to bring joy and smiles to the world and to help my fellow man with trials i have overcome. I will also use the recovery from said trials to council and encourage others.

Everyday is a gift and an opportunity to be in the presence of those around me and my Heavenly Father. I will live each day as such and take nothing for granted.