Mommys alright, Daddys alright…

13 10 2009

Even though they just seem a little weird. Yes folks, today I am going to take a lesson from Cheap Trick and surrender.

As many of you know, i have been talking about what the messages have been in past church services. This is how uh-maize-ang God is, since i can find something to plug into my weekly motivation everytime i walk into the building. This week we were talking about Joseph (dreamcoat, not of aramathia) and how he interpreted the dreams of the two men he met in prison and how they were both instrumental in his getting out of jail and the significance of why it took awhile. Both lessons inspired the way im taking on the world right now and i could not help but to share. Inspire my sharing inspiration and all that.

Instrumental Inmates: Picture two random people getting thrown into prison with you. You didnt do anything wrong and know yourself to be innocent. Furthermore, you know that others know you to be innocent yet alone you sit in a cell. Then, a butler and a baker come into the jail you call home and will not shut up about how bad THEY have it. Then they wake up crying about a nightmare they each had and ask you to tell them what it meant. This is what Joseph went through.

Two weeks ago i would have told the men to shut up and leave me alone. “I’m trying to think of a way to get out of here!”, I would say and continue to sink more into a vat of depression juice since there was no certainty in sight as to when I would be getting out of this prison. Luckily, Joseph is not me and he looked at the mens situation with sympathy and optimism. With this attitude he interpreted their dreams and told them what their futures would entail. Talk about a favor! THEN… the two men get out of jail for they kings birthday. Of COURSE they are going to mention the helpful fellow in the jail cell who gave them such marvelous advice and pass that on to the king, right? FAIL!

Neither men told the king what happened at the celebration. But i will bet Joseph was jumping around the cell getting all shaved and ready to take on the world in a few days. Why was this inspirational to me? It inspired me not to let the literal Disorder-Prison influence my attitudes in a way that will put people off to me. I asked myself how I would feel if, when i just started recovering, i met a man who was doing everything to get healthier and get on with his life… but rather than being happy and motivated to press on he was a ‘can’t-hack-it, panty-waste, who wears his momma’s bra’ (<– name the film!). Recovering should be something we aspire to do and something that we all take in stride and even, dare I say, enjoy. ENJOY!?!! Heck yeah! I enjoy LOVE that i am getting stronger and healthier every single day. And while i am unsure if there is anyone out there keeping some track of my random musings, I would sooner kick myself in the face with a golf shoe before I allowed myself to make them think that recovery is not worth it in any and every way. Rahter than whining about a bad situation, Joseph looked at the men as two people he could help, and allowed God to work through his actions. Keeping that mindset allowed him to meet the situation head-first with a smile ten feet wide.

Smiling = Surrendering: Coming back from a disorder is difficult, this is true. However, when people hear the world ‘difficult’ they associate that with needing to attack something. Having a battle plan to attack the disorder head on with a guitar it their hands and ROCK in their hearts (<– name the movie!). Now, while a meal plan is vital, along with a team of experts to monitor health/mental status’ … there is also the notion of surrender. I, in no way, mean give up to the disorder… i mean give up to God. Allow Him to take over your life and know that though you may be going through a trial at the moment, He put it in your path for a reason and would never give you anything you a)cannot handle and b) would not make you a better person in the longrun.

While he was in jail Joseph was going through one doozie of a trial. He was an innocent man in jail who was still finding the inner strength to help those around him. Then… he has an ‘in’ with the king (<– has the power to get him out of there!) and still finds himself waiting and waiting.. and waiting…. and wai-*zzzzZZZZZZ. Sorry i dozed off. However, in spite of all the waiting for something to happen, not to mention the hectic atmosphere of being IN JAIL, he would still look to God and say (paraphrase) God, you know better than me… so You meant for this to happen this way, which makes it the best, right Your way. With this in mind Joseph had no problem with this waiting for the good times to come his way…

LO AND BEHOLD – Joseph gets out of jail (albeit longer than he may have liked) and becomes second in command to the king after interpreting his dreams! How awesome is this?!?! Through trusting in God and not getting in his own way he goes from being

  • his fathers favorite
  • sold into slavery
  • advisor to Potipher
  • thrown in jail
  • SECOND IN COMMAND TO THE KING OF EGYPT!!!

People… there is a reason why Joseph has a movie based on him life.

The point? Surrender your days to God and trust in His plan. Personally, i can totally tell a difference when I take a little time in the morning and ask God to take my life in His hands and prepare my heart to be willing to accept His plan for my life. Everytime i geting the inkling to think about ‘how many cals are in this’ or ‘ whether or not i NEED to keep eating more than i think I need’ I just remind myself that the day is God’s, and a hard day once in a while is in His plan for me. I think im gonna trust that He knows whats up.

Until next time: Stay strong, be safe, know that God is always there… along with agagle of people that love you bunches and bunches. Maybe tell them ‘thank you’ for someting random today. Im gonna thank mom for paying for my bananas this morning.

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Swimming…

1 10 2009

Good day readers, thank you in advance for stopping by. Shoes go in the corner, where sis you get those by the way? I looked for them there but they didn-

Sorry, i got carried away. Im working to create a fnatasy world to try and app some spice to my life. Right now it seems as though im living in a wite bread sandwich filled with saltine crackers. Granted, I have an awesome internship at one of the biggest radio stations in town. Dont get me wrong… in not a name dropper in the least, but it happens so early in the morning and then im home for the rest of the day (after 11 o clock, but still). I really want to get out into the world but there is nothing coming to mind. All day long it seems im either thinking about food and what im going to eat next, or im thinking about something to bake and looking up recipes so i can go out to the grocery store and get somethings done for the day at least. The hardest thing about days like this is that im so ‘shut in’ that my head starts swimming around stupid and insipid things… i know this but and for the most part i can ignore the self harming ones, but there is still that ‘inkling’ that begs me to go to the gym and just take up space on lifting machines for two hours and then sit on a stationary bike for a while since i still dont feel strong enough to go for a run. Then, the all time best thought (highly sarcastic) is the “you remember what you used to be like when you were overweight, The same thing you doing right now.” Whats the worst thing about this? Since  feel I was like this when i was overweight then it makes me not want to eat during the day. Don’t worry… i still make sure to eat all my meals, but its jut getting so tiresome to have to remind myself that peanut butter is OK and bananas are fine to eat for meals other than breakfast. It makes me tired, along with the insomnia is a combonation worse than olives and vanilla ice cream.

I know that there is time to get out into the world and do things. I also know that the time will come when im stronger in both body and mind and be able to enjoy those times more. Im just impatient i guess. Ive always been a ‘NOW’ person, waiting for things to come to me. I try and talk to my family about it and they just tell me to enjoy the time and use it to my advantage… I wish someone could tell me how watching tivo ll day while sitting on my butt that doesn’t exist advances me in the least. Honestly, theres a log in the hole in the bottom of the sea…. and i feel like a bump on said log, if that! Do any of you guys ever feel this way, and if so what do you do in response? So far the only things i can think of are taking a nap, reading the bible a bit at a Starbucks or practicing the guitar for a little bit. But then there is the argument of what i can do thats not for me. Im overwhelmed wth this feeling of selfishness and the thoughts of being undeserving of this ‘me time’. I want to have a career that I love and get to do during the day and friends who like to maybe go to a nice restaurant or spend the night playing Wii and watching Arrested Development, is that too much?

I realize everything i said just now was extremely selfish and i apologize if i have upset anybody. Feel free to tell  to clam up and I assure you i will.

UPDATE!!!! This literally just happened. I got a call from this woman heading up an event for my church called the final hour. Its a series of skits that lead children through a young mans life until his death and ends with a call towards God. I highly support the message that ‘God is a God of second chances’, especially since He pulled me out of the fire a year ago. She just called me asking me to come to a couple run throughs tomorrow night at six. Is it going to be something new and different? Most definitely, and i know this since my firs instinct was to avoid it and use my internship as an excse for me not to do the event at all. Granted, the part is small and there is not money involved… but thee is also the wonderful opportunity to lead others to Christ. To actually use acting to bring Him glory… not to metion meet some new people. Needless to say i avoided the voice and promised i would be there tomorrow night. God does always open a window after a door appears closed… the quesion is whether or not your ready when the door is open.

Maybe the answeris to trust God will make a way. Maybe not lay back completely and be a ant on the log, but lie is wait ready to pounce like a lion in the jungle…. where they have fun and games. I think im gonna read the bible and play guitar, prep myself for what i beleive my calling to be. I almost dont even want to post this not since it appears to be much ado about nothing… but i think im going to anyway. This way i can let you, and myself, know that even though it may seem your in a pit sometimes… there is nothing wrong with being in there and growing for a while. Acorn into an oak tree and all that. And, tell you what… no tree ever grew unless they ate plenty (SANDWICH TIME!)





Being in a pit without being pitiful

14 09 2009

-Short post to follow… be ready-

Today was a hard day at work, you know… one of those Murphy’s Law days (anything that can go wrong will). Im not gonna go too far into it because that is not the focus but lets just say it involved incomming calls and possibly making my boss look bad. Yelling, oh yeah. Publicly? You bet. Refuge, nowhere in sight.

However, just because you can’t see something… doesn’t mean it isnt there.

Flashback to six-ish months ago when i was working my last job. Another Murphy day. Boss showed me a whole bunh of mistakes all at once which led me to the back room for a good cry sesion. Then a feeling of (are we done yet) to finish out the day. Today, those feelings came back again… but the difference was that i knew God was there making sure i would make it. And, praise Him I did.

This got me thinking about something i heard on Sunday about Joseph. Yes, the amazing technicolor dreamcoat… which actually may be wrong as the original translation is ‘a cloak with long sleeves’ but that’s not important right now. Now, Joseph was led out into the wilderness and left for dead in a pit and that was BEFORE he was sold into slavery. I don’t know about you but someone does that to me i am gonna whine, complain, plead, do whatever i could to try and get out of there. Reading the text it seems as though Joseph kept his mouth shut. Suddenly, stories of: Daniel, Paul and even Jesus flashed in my mind about men who had been arrested and horribly beaten… yet took it all because they knew it was for something greater. That something was God, and those around them could see that since they went through everthing they did with the strength that can only come from above… and persevered until their flesh was no longer able. They were definitely in a pit.. but they were anything but pitiful.

Tomorrow is a new day… and i can either hide in my room and search the want ads for a new course of work and stress myself to the point of tears and exhaustion. Or, I can remember that God would not put me through something He did not want for me… and His want is waaaaaaaay more thought through and meaningful than mine. This is the daily challenge. Follow God’s want regardless of rocks in the way. Take the hardships in stride by drawing strength from above and, in turn, being a witness for those around you. Tomorrow is going to be a better day… and each day after (spent with Him) is going to be that much better.

“Have i not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you, wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)





Apples to Apples

13 09 2009

Don’t even play like you didnt LOVE that game when your friends would come by on friday night. I mean, maybe im the grand captain of lameness, but i am so much more down to staying in and playing a game of A to A with some friends as opposed to going out clubbing. How’s that for an attitude for someone living in Miami?

What’s your favorite Friday night activity?

Okay… so I know your all dyyyying to know how the visit to the Dr. went. Well, weight went down, i wont say to what and im not playing much into it since numbers on a scale change every three seconds anyway. However, more medically speaking, there is a low level of iron and HR. Heres the thing though, i wasn’t scared. The nurse that brought me in went as far as to ask me how i was even able to walk into the office that morning (to which i reponded with the joke that it was because i have the thighs of an ox). Did we laugh? Of course, im hilarious… but looking in her eyes i could tell there was a sense of worry for me…. and i only knew this woman for like 8 seconds. I spent the rest of the day trying to give my anxiety up to God and praying about what to do next.

As if i don’t already know right? I know i need to let this go and not associate myself with it anymore. I mean, i just wrote out a list of all the things in the world that make me happy and i didnt see ‘loosing weight’ anywhere on that list… did you? I need to understand that i am loved by the greatest power in the universe no matter what my shell looks like as long as im nutty on the inside. Oh man, i really want a walnut right now (those were the only ones i liked cracking out of the shell).

I bought an apple the other day that was a little more bruised than i usually go for. I like fruit thats really firm and gives me a crunch when i bite into it, but for some reason a spotty one made its way into my bag this week. Did I eat it? Heck yeah… it was a Fuji; and was it wonderful? Heck yeah… it was a FUJI! In fact, it was even sweeter than the crunchtacular (adjective invention!) apple i had a couple of days earlier. This just brings me to the issue of confidence, that there is nothing we need to focus on changing when it comes to ourselves. We are all apples, we all age the same way and we all end up with basically the same signs  (wrinkles, arthrightis, senility if were lucky) and even though we may not taste the same we still have all the wonderful things inside us that make us apples. I dont need to work to be more red or to have more seeds because maybe im supposed to be a sweeter apple as opposed one thats more red. I don’t need to try and obtain the ‘apple’ flavor from somewhere else because God created me with everything already.

This time its for real… its been too long. Its time to stop being petty about things and just do it. Stop trying to manage my life all the time and just give more of myself away. There are gonna be times when i feel like my life isnt my own anymore and im pretty sure thats a good thing. After all, it wasn’t mine to begin with. Its time to give my control away and allow God to take control. THAT, is what i like to think strength really looks like.

*apologies for the ‘soapbox’ rant everyone. I can almost promise im not as gung-ho as im making myself out to be… but i find the more i say something out loud to myself the easier it is to believe it the next time. Kinda like when you watch ‘Nightmare of Elm Street’ for the first time and repeat: “it’s only a movie, it’s only a movie..” I can promise you all that tomorrows post is going to be a lot more light hearted and full of childlike exuberance… mostly because its Sunday and thats the day i muster up the energy to make some pancakes for breakfast after church. Also, new church/new message being brought tomorrow…. so be prepare for some good news! Until then, sleep well and stay strong. Know that your the cream in the Oreo…. the best part!

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)





Okay, whenever your ready…

6 09 2009

Does anyone else feel like they say this Ump-teen million times during rcovery? I counted 16 since I turned my computer on. After a week of feeling like a waste of skin (chilling at the house all day – other than the internship) i weigh in today and it turns out i lost! Heres the kicker though… im still having to tell myself that i dont want that anymore. Those of you that have read the story tab above will understand why this is a challenge. More importantly than the loss, however, i had to figure out the WHY. Do i ust want to be the person who can maintain a low weight for the rest of my life? Is this really a trait thats admirable to people? I dont know about you but every job application, personality test, even an E-Harmony account does not give you a space to indicate how low of a weight you are and how long youv’e hovered there. So, why am I contiuning to treat it as something good?

After some ‘alone time’ combined with a fair amount of prayer out loud I noticed that im anxious about a lot of things. Job, money, school, family, the future… it scares the crap out of me. Now, since iv’e cut out the gym, i have the aniousness of me balooning back up to my old overweight self. Not to mention the anxiousness I feel having to eat every three hours in front of a family who skip breakfast and fast all day until lunch. I mean… their my FAMILY and I still stress about them juding my eating habits. Why do i care so much? After realizing all this it didnt take me long to find the common thread that these are all things that i cannot control, even though i would like to. Then, like a flash, im remembering one mof my favorite passages from Matthew telling us to: “not worry about tomorrow because it will take care of itself… you have enough to worry about today.” Subsequently i decided to pop in my Oliver and Company DVD and sing along with ‘Why Should I Worry’ at the top of my lungs.

One down!!!!!!! But there was something else picking at me, that something was motivation. I read a lot of people talking about: taking trips, finally going to college, getting back into sports, etc. This was something that i couldnt relate to, as far as im concerened the future just looks like more of the present…. kinda like a chase sequence in an old Hanna Barbarra cartoon where the just loop the same background over and over again. The good Lord shut me up real quick with the strangest angel in the world…. the supernanny marathon.

STOP JUDGING ME!!!

Whoa, sorry about that. Anyhoo, watching these dads that need to get with the program concerning their kids got me looking over to my mother saying: “I am gonna be such a great dad.” I mean, how could i not be? I love cartoons and video games, not to mention im a way better listener than a talker and one heck of a gift giver. However, instead of the resounding “yes, you will!” from momsie I got a ‘ uh-huh.’ Now, to me this implied that i would be a horrible dad which started to offend me, until i realized i can barely take care of myself.  God forbid my kids would want me to pick them up and play ‘airplane’ with them or something physical like that since i get tired easily. Not to mention it takes me 2 hours to prepare and eat a meal sometimes (during which i shall NOT be disturbed). What kind of dad  person is like this normally? Nobody i want raising my kids. Not to mention having kids is something that takes ‘two to tango’ which also proves difficult at the moment. So… i hung onto this today. Thought about the kids that deserve a great dad and being the kind of father that would be the envy of the Supernanny world…. sure enough it was easier to eat what i wanted and throw anxious food thoughts to the wind.

So… with a goal in mind i set up some new challenges for the week.

  • eat at LEAST 2500 cals a day and go from there
  • ONLY go to the gym when i want and not because i need to
  • not eat the same thing three days in a row
  • spend more time reading and less time watching Supernanny
  • get adequate sleep (7-8 hours)

These are gonna be epic, i can feel it. The trick is actually doing it rather than waiting for someone else to do it for me. Time to ‘man up’ in a sense. So… that is what i plan to do.

What drives and motivates you?” Be honest and hang onto this for dear life!