Losing and Gaining.

11 10 2009


Some may notice that there is a level of anonimity on this blog. No, i am not a superhero or a spy… although that would be beyond awesome. Something of a pirate/ninja/spy. In fact, either one of those three would be alright with me. What was i saying? Oh yeah, the anonimity.

Well, i don’t view myself as me right now. I mean, i am always me… there is no other person i could be. But the thoughts that swim in my head and the attitude i have towards the things i do and the motivation i have to do those things…. its someone who i do not know and, more important, someone who i do not want to be. There is a me that I did like. He was fifty pounds heavier, snacked all throughout the day on things like fruit and the occasional muffin, he loved movies and playing video games. He would stay up late and not fret about where he was going and didn’t only have people calling him because they were worried about him. That is the person i miss and that is the person i would like to still be…

The catch is, that person is behind me. The more I think about him the more i get discouraged. Like when you had the high score in on the Pac Man machine in the skating rink and all of a sudden old Mr. Blunton traded it for Marvel vs. Capcom. It may be more familiar to say: “you never knew what you have until you lose it.” That, right there, is the reason why i am typing on the keyboard right now. I can dwell in the past until im blue in the face and ill still be in the same place I am now, watching the salt episode of ‘Good Eats’ on the couch at three in the morning, wide awake since i have the worst insomnia known to man. No, the key is to forget all that, ar rather… put it behind you. Once that is done it will be easier to 1)welcome the fututre and 2)allow God to take control of everything in our lives. And i do mean ev-er-y-thing.

The latter is where i lack, im not gonna lie. This hit me tonight like a punch in the face. I noticed i put on a good face of ‘letting go and letting God’ but i still do not trust Him as fully as i should. Let me explain, ill start and end everyday telling God that the day belings to Him and praying that His name would be glorified, give that an hour at the most and i fall into the trap of trusting only what is tangeble again…. which, sadly, in the imperfetion that is man.

I can tell im starting to ramble a bit and not making much sense so im gonna end on a couple of notes before i start talking about the similarities between my life and the Chronicles of Narnia. So, lately i have been feeling a little bit low recently and I cannot come to the reason why. Some of me thinks it could be the aura of October, another thinks it could e the result of a hectic home life, there is even a small part that thinks its because im still not eating enough and my body is undernourished and irritated. All three may be true, but whatever it is  must remember that it may be a testing time but the test comes from the almighty. It may not be fair and may seem like the test im taking right now was one that i am unprepared for, but that is when we learn the most and, therefore, grow the most. The trick is to not fall into the trap of thinking there is something we can so about it… because there is nothing we can do at all. It makes sense logically:

  • God wants us closer to Him
  • He is, therfore, going to test us in order to lead us more to Him
  • If there was someone on earth who could solve our problems we would not only end up thanking them rather than God, but also just falling into a greater reliance on temporal and fleeting things… the things of the world.

God, i pray i would remember you are in control and that i would take that to heart. Prepare my heart to surrender to you and give up all that is myself. I pray i could stop getting in my own way and stop trying to constantly swim upstream… trying to solve my own problems… resulting in my own futility. I pray that my life would gorify Your name and live a life that is pleasing to you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Also, to digress… dont forget to check out Ellie’s giveaway. Do it now and thank me later.




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