Its not just about eating…

23 09 2009

To be honest i wish to God that it was. If that was the only case then i would have been better immediately, and to be honest i thought i would be over a year ago when i was first diagnosed. But, thats not the case. This whole thing did not just happen… it was a culmination of a whole bunch of personality traits that evolved over time and now its time to let all those things go.

One thing i noticed was that i have trouble sharing… but only when someone doesnt ask me. Now, granted, when someone you dont know takes a soda out of your fridge or a few DVD’s off the bookcase without asking you then there is definitley some vindication behind pulling that person aside and asking them politely to ask the next time. But, with me, I realized that I only need people to ask me because I want the gratitude. I have this NEED to be thanked to the point of it being ridiculous for something super small (like sharing my popcorn at the movies… or letting my parents eat out of one of ‘my bowls’). This is and indication to me that i need to learn to be safe and strong ALONE, without the constant comparison to others around me. Honestly, this is something i have struggled with constantly over the past three years and i know that one of the reasons it has lingered for so long is because it is one of the hardest things to let go. Letting go of the control and allowing myself the security to tell myself ‘thank you’ and be okay with that?! Surely i jest. Well, i jest you not… and don’t call me surely.

Today was also an audition for an upcomming performance at my church. I dont think its gonna go down the way i wanted it to. They had me come in and read a monologue for this character desmond… right off the bat it felt wierd. I felt disconnected and unfocussed… something i attributed to being tired. Now, i do wake up at Four for work… but i know i would have had some reserve fuel in the tank were this the before ‘you know what’. The thing is, i know this to be true but i hear the voice in the back of y head telling me to stop making excuses… accept that im not as good as I think i am sometimes. But, im choosing to disagree today….. I know that i am talented and that God put me on this earth to perform and inspire others through laughter. This was taken away from me once and i will NOT let it happen again. The funny thing was (more funny looking back) that after the monologue the directed had me read for a past version of the character where he’s addited to drugs. At first I think… “Smaller role… NO WAY!”, then i looked at my reflection in the glass door on the way out and said: “i would cast you the same way”. Also… another instance of the ‘Its all about ME’ happening. Both are something i would rather live without and both are being fought against as we speak. How? Lets just say im doing a hoooge favor for my parents and will NOT seek retribution or constant thanking by everyone other than myself, and i am also going to go out of my way tomorrow and most likely be prepping myself for fatigue x 10 by driving like 40 miles to read for the smaller part tomorrow. You need to build a wall one brick at a time… and today is the first brick.

What are the traits that trigger you? How are you gonna kick those traits in the face?”

Fear not men, there is a siver lining along these clouds of self discovery. I notice that it was easy to identify what voices in my head dont really sound like mine anymore… and its those that im stabbing in the face with a sodering iron. I know because its the same one that tells me I can fix something by restriction… or doing another rep in the weightroom. Each day is hard, but taking care of myself makes each day a little easier as well. We are all capable of hearing these voices and saying no…. you know who has a louder voice AND a megaphone? You guessed it, thanks be to God.

*note: A friend traveled to London last year and brought me back some granola bars that had been dipped in Green and Blacks Dark Chocolate that I kept in the fridge because i couldnt understand how to read the nutrition information. I had one of the bars today and i was SO UPSET! I waited this long to eat this wonderful wonderous wonder?! Shame on me… shame on me indeed. What does this mean for you? It means that you should have a snack this week because it tastes good and for that reason only. Let me know what you have and how GOOOOOOD it was… im curious.

(Notice the new ‘verse of the day’ that just started happening too! Have a blessed day!)

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