Love, Acceptance and Challenges

28 08 2009

I love you, man. Did you see that movie? I actually liked it more than Forgetting Sarah Marshall but i think that was because im a HUGE fan of Paul Rudd… like, ever since the days of Clueless (no judge). I instantly liked the movie because of the title, i dont think a day goes by that i dont tell someone i love them. I mean, i got a lot of love to give and i want to make sure that people know. You know what the catch is though? What holds true for my friends and family doesn’t apply to myself. To be blunt… i dont love myself, which is a HUUUUGE Step in overcomming the Disorder.

In recovery a lot of people relapse when they start eating again. I experienced this first hand with bloating around the abdomen, ankle and facial swelling, all these other orbitrary things that nobody else seemed to notice but would eat away at me like a rat gnaws on a Kashi Cracker. Ergo, you start to take food away, cut things out, exercise more, sleep less, yadda yadda. We keep trying to change oursleves because we strive towards an image to whence we say “As soon as i look like ‘this’ people will like/accept me more “(people normally being the opposite sex). Well, it is nice to get some attention body-wise; who doesn’t like a good compliment every now and again. But wy do we knock ourselves out for people who, as far as we know, won’t be around for the long haul? Looking at my current friend circle i see polar opposite from two years ago. Yet, the ones that aren’t an issue are the ones i put so much stock in. Man… i make a lot of sense, huh?

Now, were I to love myself i would still have someone with me… i tried to lose myself and it’s not easy. And why shouldn’t we love ourselves? I mean, we already dove into the topic of God making us all unique and special, and we all know that He loves us. Now, i dont know about you… but if I have to imitate someone its gonna be God. Then… this idea of love got me thinking. I say ‘I love you’ to a lot of people. Does this mean that the same feelings that come from me when i say it to others apply to God loving me? Yes and no. God loves us, yes; but God also ACCEPTS us. This means the same thing right? WRONG!!!

Take love, its nice… but the people i said it to two years ago are gone and im okay with that. I’m okay with it after i realized they weren’t really there when i needed someone to lean on so my thinking was: “They are fine without me and ill be fine witout them.” Writing it makes me sound super duper shallow, which is true, but that just showed a love that was a contingency. Kind of a: “You love me and ill love you” thing. However, when i saw God ACCEPTS us it is as if i was saying your Dad accepts you. Whether you get straight A’s or drop out of High School, get a good job or get caught shoplifting, become a pastor or a drug dealer. God, just like dad, loves you unconditionally because He accepts you just the way you are (thank you Mr. Joel). What does this mean for us? It means we need to go to Him, constantly throughout the day. Im not just talking about sundays and prayers before meals. Go to him all the love long day and do so with confidence… the same confidence you feel when you walk into your fathers office, right past the secretaries and the door guards, and waltz into dad’s office. We can do this cause we know who our father is and take solace and comort in that.

That being said… why do we work so hard to obtain the acceptance we truly long for from those on earth when we are given it freely from the one who created us? Its the same principle as spending one’s life making and saving money only to be called back to heaven one day. Its, in essence, a waste of time. So, for today…. wake up knowing how loved AND accepted you are, refuse to let others influence you cause they dont matter, and the next time you refuse to eat something cause it’s ‘too much’ or get too nervous when it comes to eating out with friends… know that no mater what the body on earth may do, our Father above still loves us and those down here that truly matter do as well.

Now for the second part: Challenges for the week (these are just some i set for myself, feel free to add to the list in the comment section.)

  1. Dress a salad with some proper salad dressing
  2. Try something new for breakfast
  3. Take a nap after a meal if im tired
  4. stop measuring things like cereal and pasta (almost totally off this one!)
  5. Eat more during the day
  6. Have 6 smaller meals rather than two – three big ones (i had a salad that was the size of a volkswagon today…. so.much.fiber.)

Well men, it is time for a little hay hitting and dream having. Next time? A more inside glimpse of yours truly’s recovery and some notes on ‘man-grub’. Till next time, know you rock and have a friend out there!

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New Directions and Goal Setting

27 08 2009

The first thing you learn when you start working out it how to grunt so you can look awesome and though on the last rep. However, the second thing they have you learn is that your going to plateau eventually and its going to be frustrating. The feeling of not going anywhere, constantly going to the gym and just spinning your wheels….not to mention paying the membership fee, with no results. To remedy this any trainer will tell you that your going to need to change your workout routine about once a month. We do this so the body will adapt to something it doesnt want to do and will, therefore, respond by growing and showing you some results. Awesome, right?

Well, the same thing applies to damn near any other aspect of your life. Whether it be with education, working, types of book you like to read or even restaurants you like to go to…. once by taking a risk and trying something new will you yield a reward…. or at least a good memory. Well, in terms of the Eating Disorder…. I have plateaued. I was finally honest with a good friend of mine last night who asked me how much weight i had put on since i got more motivated and more into the church…. i told him how i actually lost a bit and was not too broken up about it. After being whisked off to Denny’s for a cup o’ joe there was a talk about how God had such a plan for ME, how He created ME, and how He made ME special and different from everyone else. Now, i don’t know if i was right to be a bit flattered and taken aback at the same time…. but  totally was. I mean, thats sounds pretty intense all that wok going into me.

Well, then i thought about how pissed i would be if i ut that much care and planning into something.. only to have someone insult it and pervert/change it. Its like someone saying the Mona Lisa would look better as a blonde…. or the David was a little TOO naked. WTF!? Who am I of all people to judge what im ‘supposed’ to look like or be or do? Which gets me thinking about all the wonderful things planned for my life and all the doors that have opened for me and are opening even now….. will i be physically equipped to take them on or an i going to shut myself in and count baby carrots in the corner to make sure i dont go too high on calories for the day?

Putting it like that made things a little easier to understand for me. Then i started to atually get a little scared (anyone will tell you how recovery is a scary thing). However, why not use it? Why not add ‘Manorexia’ to the other recovery blogs in the blogsphere? Cause, i dont know if you have been looking… but they are few and far between. Therefore: it is my pleasure to introduce the new direction of Manorexia Nerbrosa!

“Showing the world the male aspet of recovery! Sharing the daily challenges and triumphs along the way! And inspiring others through the affirmations that come from God.

And, above all, letting all know that recovery… while dificult, is possible – with a vengence!

Join me on the journey, will you? No obligations, no names if you so choose and no worries… were all friends here. Friends and ‘brothers’ who are gonna make a wicked comeback and show the world how we ooze awesome from every pore!

 I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Phil 4:10-13)





Double Standards

23 08 2009

I am not a fan, nevr have been. To me it doesn’t seem etchical to treat someone differently than the person sitting next to them. This was actually the message brought from the neighborhood pulpit this morning. The daily word was over Jacob and how he tricked the land of Shekham into getting circumcized (childish giggle) when the mayors son raped his daughter. Post-Rape the mayors sn decided he wanted to have Jacob’s daughter as his bride and Jacob says “Okay, but you gotta get circumcized like us…… AND the whole village has to do it as well!” Jacob…. you trickster, shame on you. Well, tricker as he was he still had a daughter hot enough to get the mayor to circumcise the village…. who were still in horrible pain three days later (big surprise). Then… Jacob’s sons deliver one final blow to the town by slaying the men, plundering the town, taking the livestock and taking the women. All of a sudden Jacob gets mad because the neighboring villages are going to hear about this and their not gonna be happy with Jacob and his family. The only thing was that Jacob has been a little ‘Snidewick’ (new word) for the last five chapters  (Were in Genesis 34 b-t-dubbs).

Now wait… Jacod has been lying, cheating and stealing for the last five chapters… in the first book of the bible… and hes mad at his sons for what? For lying…. cheating….. and stealing. UN-COOL brother! Now, the main focus i got from this was to not treat your children one way at home and then expect immaculate behavior somehwere like the grocery store or Aunt Sandy’s house. Howev’s i took a little something extra… and didnt notice it until i had the audacity to dish out some advice on ‘healthy eating’ after church. I mean… here i am telling people the proper portion sizes, nutrient ratios, etc, etc and yet I could not take my own advice. The same advice i have the confidence to give to my closest friends is almost considered blasphemy to myself. Double Standard.

Thinking about this made me realize that the reason I want my friends to follow my advice is because:

  • I want them to be taken care of because i care about them so much, and
  • If they woke up tomorrow 50lbs overweight and bloated i wouldn’t love them any less

Double Standard. And coincidently the way I am sure God feels about me when He sees me wasting away from not taking care of myself. Also, the way im sure the people close to me feel. What did this mean? I took thatmaybe it’s necessary to step outside ourselves every now and again and think about what we would say to outselves if we were our own best friends… i guarantee you its the polar opposite of the voice constantly looping in our heads when it comes to fitness/nutrition. Don’t believe me? Ask them and see… then record it on a Yak Bak and play it over and over again until it becomes a new rule…. a better rule.

Okay, heres the challenge: Think of three people (friends, family, etc) that you trust and you feel comfortable calling when you need them. Talk to them about whats been going on with you if they do not know already and ask them to be your support system. Trust me… support is not only beneficial, its a necessity. They won’t tell you anything that will hurt you and will have the best intentions for you (again, why its so important to pick some good people). Pick them and trust them and know that God is there for you in addition to them.

*Now, if you’ll excuse me, it is time to follow my own advice. Have a Manly Day!!!!





Take the good, take the bad, take a look…

21 08 2009

There you have the Fact’s of Life! Apologies, but the song had to be finished in order for me to be okay with myself. But it is relevant to what i wanted to say, i guarantee it.

So, today at the gym i realized that i can spout out mock philosophy and pretend to put you all on the therapist couch until im blue in the face… however, at the end of the day i too am working my way through this Bi-otch of a disorder and meet with daily struggles as much as you all do and have been doing to for over a year now. Come to think of it, it was almost exactly one year ago today when I said the dreaded word ‘anorexic’ to some people seeking help. Now, they did all help a lot… telling me i was loved and would be missed and had alot of friends that i have been worrying recently. What was missing? Someone telling me what to do.

Now, i am not going to be any better sadly because, to my great dissapointment, there is not hard-and-fast rule about what one should do in order to get better. I have mentioned that it would be UH-MAIZE-UHN if there were a book, checklist, or even a filmstrip outlining what to do in order to get better. The bottom line is that physical weight gain is only half the battle. It is important to make sure your body is taken care of, but the mind is the real culprit and the one that needs to be dealt with first and foremost. It’s this aspect of the mind that i wanted to write down a quick post about.

Now, there are going to be good days. For me, this week was full of them: going to the beach, challenging myself, eating lots and lots of good food and finding my daily affirmation through God. However, there are also going to be some bad with the good (told you we were gonna hit the title again!) and these are the ones that we have to watch out for. Why is this day a bit funky? Did you wake up different, have something shake you this morning, feeling a bit mundane with everything you have been doing? Well, heres the advice for this one… On a bad (or just funky) day do something different. It can be a little bit of anything. Call up a friend for coffee, maybe you need groceries and you can go to a new grocery store, find a movie you havent seen in forever and bring it out to watch. Something different, no matter how small, will give a little jolt and keep things from getting boring/stagnant. Its like the first time I found out what honey mustard was… i had eaten a chicken finger before but when i put some honey mustard on it I almost had a food-gasm! This was heavenly, AND i can put it on some salad if i want to? Needless to say there were a lot of salads consumed over the next few days.

So, todays challenge: Find one thing different and do it tomorrow (coincidently my B-Day), then notice how cool it feels. This can be something as small as taking a new route to a familiar destination or having your girl cook lunch and you pick the desert? Whatever it is, do it and enjoy it then comment back what it is cause enquiring minds want to know.

Also… (new feature!) PRODUCT REVIEW!!!!

It goes without saying that the nut butter is essential when trying to put on weight in a healthy manner. Whether your vegan/ vegetarian/ love steak – whatever… this is not only a good source of good fats, protein, vitamins, but it TASTES AWESOME. At first its just like the regular awesome Peanut Butter taste but then after you swallow it you get a little hint in the back of your throat of cocoa. Thus, Dark Choclate Dreams is not only wonderful, but was also my challenge for the week. I have had it everyday and have never been happier. Well, that may be an exaggeration… but the point is still strong. On the whole (thats what she said) i will be buying this again and relishing the rest of the jar i have

 

That being said: Stay positive, get some new Peanut Butter and know that God is there for you whether you are up or down. Also, know that support is only a comment away. Stay strong/awesome and have an exellent day!





Measuring Up – The Ladies.

19 08 2009

It goes without saying that most wood on the Eating Disorder fire (pun intended) can be attributed to issues with the opposite sex. The same holds true for men and women, but being a man im going to stick with what i know for sure. Now, men are stereotyped with needing to be strong and muscular in order to be found attractive. I mean, did superman have a gut under those tights, would Hugh Jackman still be the ‘sexiest man alive’ if he didnt put the “Jacked” in Jackman and i doubt Olive Oil fell in love with Popeyes good looks.

The funny thing is that women want a lot of things in a man, but we have let the media pull the wool over our eyes yet again guys. According to the book “What Women Want”, the top 6 things looked for by the fairer sex are…

  1. Someone who is confident
  2. A sense of humor
  3. Money, or the things that money can buy (beatles are full of S#^%)
  4. Looks
  5. Bad Boy Qualites
  6. Oher things women typically list (sensitive, caring, etc)

Now, while looks are up in the top 6 notic that it doesnt say specifics. Some women like thin guys, some like emo guys and, yes, some like muscular guys as well. The problem here is that, speaking from experience, there is a missed perception of being lean and cut with being emaciated. There is normally a mantra running through the head of the male anorexia during times of increased starvation… something like: “Just a little more fat loss” or “The six pack is coming”. Personally, mine would be a look in the bathroom mirror after a purge and a repetition of ‘no wonder she doesn’t want you’. Guys… what are we thinking? For one thing, severecalorie restriction does not make you more cut and leaner than last week. Unless you feed the muscles in order to maintain them then your body is going to look for food somewhere else and, heres the kicker, its going to look to the muscle to get food BEFORE it goes to the fat. What does this mean to you? Are we familiat with the term: “Skinny Fat”? Well, you better… cause thats the physique that results from this type of behavior.

Secondly, just like when we forget to put gas in the car and end up having to hoof it with a the infamous red can… so does the body shut down when we forget to ‘gas it up’. Organs function, system function, sex drive………. WHAT?! You heard me right… without the proper norishment out bodies dont get the right amount of nutrients in order to manufacture testosterone and thus leads to decreased libido. Some guys (myself included) work to take supplements like iron and zinc in order to try and correct this but a supplement will only go do far if the body is in starvation mode, just like how your not gonna get ripped by working out 7 times a week and drinking nothing but protein shakes.

Why do we do it then? Other than the media telling us that were either lean or ugly, what could be the reason of us willingly damaging our bodies in order to attact the opposite sex. Experice leads me to two conclusions.

  • Loss of control : being unable to control how certain women feel makes us feel out of control to the point of wanting to grab onto and manipulate something… in this case we have weight loss.
  • Feelings of inadequacy left undelt with: if someone doesn’t find you atractive the first thoughts are usually “Well, something has to be wrong with me”. Nevermind that she may have other issues she herself is dealing with, may have religious convictions concerning dating or simply has different taste in men. Nope, the answer is, more often than not, because the man is not attractive.

So… whats the answer to this equation? The missing piece, if you will. Simple guys… wake up each day KNOWING that you are loved. Don’t just think it… know it. Not only do family members and close friends provide a wonderful support with regard to providing us with that unconditional love, but also from God. Wait… LOVE?!?! Thats a chick word! I dont want to be loved, i just want someone to have fun with. <– Granted, this is a ‘perk’ of being in a relationship… but its just the potatoes. The ‘meat’ is having someone who cares for you whether you burn the mac and cheese or loose your job. Someone to see movies with on the weekends and someone to share inside jokes with when nobody is watching. Someone to take photos with and one who visits the wine country with you on the weekends. This sounds good whether we want to believe it or not (and if the answer is still ‘not’ then please save all questions until the end of class)

So, bottom line. Know that you are always loved unconditionally, for WHO YOU ARE. It doesn’t matter if your tall, short, fat, lean, nerdy, suave you are loved; either by those closest to you or by our heavenly father. Also, be patient with the fairer sex… maybe she’s unsure of what she wants right now or maybe she is going through some stuff herself thats really hard. However, i guarantee you it wont help taking things too personally/pressuring her towards a ‘love me or leave me’ decision. (*note, this attitide comes as a natural product of knowing that your loved)

Paul Said in his letter to the Galatians:

I have been crucified through Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life i live in the body, i live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. (Gal 2:20)

So, that being said, the challenge for today regarding this bastard disorder has to do with the theme of going out. The next time someone invites you out to lunch/dinner/after work cocktail, even if it doesnt fit into the usual routine and even though the thoughts of ‘needing to save money’ or ‘i dont like that restaurant’ may be plaguing you, choose not to listen and know that there is no routine in life. There is a big different between living and existing, remember that. Till next time know He loves you and there is nothing you can’t accomplish with Him.





Triggers: Control

16 08 2009

As men we often seek to be proactive in everything. Even when we recover from this bastard disorder it alwasys seems easier when there is a set schedule/plan. “I’m going to eat this much at this time and then wait this long until i have that meal.” Now, I don’t know about you…. but this does not sound like a normal thing to me. Granted, were not talking about anything thats normal here, but i think this is something we should all strive toward. However, that is not the point here, today involves diving into the wonderful world of triggers.

You ever had one of those days where you wake up and have a Man-Tastic breakfast, catch up with whats on the Tivo, get a shower on and then head to work. Im sure you have. Im sure there has also been a day where the normalcy ends there and things start going out of control. Maybe the boss made your life a little bit more of a hell today, the co-worker that you have a thing for decided not to pay you a second look today and/or your friends that you were going to meet afterwards at the bar just cancelled. Bad day, huh? First instinct is to then hit up the weights for a few hours and go home to fall asleep right away. What about dinner? Nope, not important. In spite of working out hard coupled with being on your feet all day, your not going to repair your body with a healthy dinner? Nope, just sleep.

My experience has led me to realize that this is because the lack of control brought on by the independent actions of those around us causes us to grasp control over anything we can, in this case… weight control. The thought of being out of control of the world around me creates the need to control something, anything. Controling weight is the small foothold used in this case by most who suffer with this disease. However, two things come to mind.

First, why are these people so important to us that they have the power to dictate our actions. Not only that but i know for sure the feeling is not reciprocal. Now, im not saying to stop affiliating ourselves with the people that are a bit flighty from time to time… but we have to realize that people in general are going to let us down or disregard how we may feel when they break plans. Rather than get mad, take solace in that you do not. Remember that you work to display attributes you wish other people had sometimes and admire yourself for that. Now, someone like that certainly deserves a good dinner (perhaps even as a reward for having a rough day).

Second, I like to think i have a ‘friend hierarchy’. Now, again, im not saying this is the most ethical course of action but i must be honest an say there are some people whose opinions matter more to me than others. The ones that really matter are those whose opinions matter to me and those who i care about what they think of me. When i was deep in my disorder i forgot this person… this person is God. At the end of the day people say that all you have is you, but nothing could be further from the truth. God is always there with you, watching and making sure your safe. Everything you say or do matters and i guarantee you plans you make with Him will never be broken. Also, dont pretend there have not been some days where getting to church was just not an option (due to tiredness, or free pancakes at IHOP). God forgives you everytime doesnt he? Now… if we were made in His image then shouldnt we imitate His forgiveness as well? Just something to think about….

Basically, when it comes to control know that people are not perfect and it is wrong for us to expect them to. I know im not perfect… i also dont know spanish because it is a hard language therefore i dont get upset when someone else may not be fluent, cause I can relate to it. Also, when we may feel let down by others know that God is still and always there. He walks with you when times are hard and carries you when they’re worse. If we can’t take comfort in that then I’m at a loss. He loves you and wont leave…. no matter how many services we skip for some pancakes.

NEW INSTALLMENT – DAILY CHALLENGE: Everyday should be met with a new small chalenge that will lead to another and another and… you get the idea. Today, the challenge is… have a cheat snack. Not a meal… just a snack that is free from being logged or cataloged into what you ate today. Throw nutrition aside and pick something that just tastes good (a muffin, ice cream cone, small bag of doritos, etc) Have it and enjoy it while the Disorder takes a coffee break. And hell, just because were guys doesnt mean we cant enjoy a nice candy bar every now and again.





Weekend Challenges and New Doc…

15 08 2009

So men, sadly… the new doctor happened today. There is nothing wrong with going to the doctor at all but i was looking for too much i guess. Correct me if im wrong but there are times when i use the fast that i have an eating disorder to try and get people to do things for me. Kind of like a ‘pity party’ that i constantly want throw for me. Now, im not one for taking it easy… but I think its better to be physically able than constantly restricting foods in order to see some abs or look more ‘ripped’. I liked being able to jump and sprint and lift up my girlfriend when i gave her a bearhug… now its more like a, otterhug anyway.

Also, will be included more in a future post, but i think it is safe to say that manorexia fools with perceptions quite a bit. “Almost able to have the six pack. Not cut enough yet. bla blah blah”. This has been something i struggle with constantly and am developing a theory… but again, later post.

So, doc recap: The weight was under for someone my height and my heart rate at rest is pretty darn low. My ankles swell which may not be too good and there is a little bit of yellow happening around my face. Dr said it would definitely be beneficial for me to up my food  still. WOW! How long did you go to medical school again? You must have studied for years and years, do you have a book out? <— this was my inner monologue and took everything i had to not scream it to the heavens. Then, i realized why i sounded so upset in my mind…… cause i know what needs to be done for myself and i refuse to so it. Would you not take insulin if you had diabetes? How about missing a chemo session if you had cancer? Well guys… its the same thing! Food is not our enemy, and if anything we should love that we normally get to take in more calories than the fairer sex. Maybe its just because i grew up in the south but i always heard women attracted to men who could eat… something about the whole “survival of the fittest” thing. Darwin was a p-i-m-p!

*Bottom Line: The same lack of confidence that keeps us from doing things for ourselves a lot is what keeps us from doing what we need to. We know what is good for us and need to be confident. Dont have it yet? Then fake it for now and it will come about. (Its about time men got to fake something, haha)

Secondly, WEEKEND CHALLENGE!!!! One thing that gets my disorder flared up like whoa is when my plan changes. I wanted to do THIS this weekend, there is no way im doing THAT. Well, today i hear that there is not only a birthday party for my abby cousin tomorrow but also a cookout my dad wants to throw on sunday. Thanks for letting me know right? I was about to complain to him until i realized that there is no chance someone is going to hold me down a stuff food in my mouth. Nobody is going to judge me if i leave early if i feel the lameness creeping up. And i not going to get distracted to the point where i forget myself and gorge on all te food there until i feel like im going to explode. So, the new plan? Im going to go to both fun outings and just chill. There will be food there and i will eat it cause i know its time to eat, time to gain some muscle and be able to bearhug again. Granted, they will most likely not have some veggie meat there… but heres hoping for a massive plate of beany goodness. And corn…….. MAN!! IS there some vegetable better than corn? i dont think so.

Alright men, time to get some shut eye. Tune in next time for a weekend recap and a discussion about what the inner voice is. Good night and God bless.





Ups and downs

14 08 2009

Hello there men, and yes… this is technically the second post of the day = awesome? So, some quick recapping of the day. Gym was skipped, i still do not think i am at the point where i am taking care of my body enough to reward myself with keeping it strong. Now, do i know that reguar exercise is necessary when it comes to a healthy lifestyle? Of course, but today i was biking to the gym and noticed that lifting weights is turning into an Eating Disorder thought and notion. Something deep in the back of my mind was wispering like smeagol from LOTR. It got to the point where i was like half a mile from the gym and i trned my bike around and came home… the gym will always be there tomorrow and i have the rest of y life to work/exercise (note: i have also been stressing about me not having a job recently). I think this might be something related to the guy need to take care of everything. I have always been this way though, never felt up to par and always worked to prove my worth somehow. Making sure people felt like they needed me. But, you know what? One of the big reasons why i turned around was becasue i realized that no matter how strong i am or how hard i work God loves me just the same and His plan for me is not going to change. I need to trust in im more today, and everyday for that matter.

Then… punch in the face!!! I met a friend for dinner at Chilis stted talking to me about how much she works out and she did it while sipping on a Sam Adams and having a bacon cheddar burger. All the while im muching on the black bean burger since it was vegan (oh yeah… im a vegan. I dont think i mentioned that one yet). Anyway, all of a sudden it was like warp speed an i started counting calories and thinking about how much to eat and foussing on the calories, calories CALORIES!!!!! Why do i stress, why does the voice always come out when im tryng to just eat a burger and feel good about a dcision i made about not going to the gym. To add insult to injury she later asked me what i do when im not at work/school. I didnt have an answer and that scared the buhjesus out of me!!! Wat do i do, where am i going, how do i definme myself.

*Im gonna say this again, and i said this at dinner but im going to reinforce all of you and myself at the same time. “If we trust God and allow him to take our lives and work through us to fulfill His lory then we will NOT go wrong. He wants us to be strong and complete the plan he sets out for us and we can do that when our thighs get tired when we climb some stairs… you know who you are and I am right there with you. That being said, im gonna go and spnd a little time in the word and then hit the old haystack. Be well gentlemen and remember that you cant spell Veganism without Man.

*also, tomorrow morning is the new dr’s visit. A little nervous about it but i know that its going to be good fro me and pay off in the end. Will update you guys tomorrow.





Domino Effect

13 08 2009

Is is Effect of Affect? I could never get those two right when i would take an English test. Im gonna go with effect cause i think its more aesthetically pleasing. Plus i dont even want to go near where the o and the e go when you spell theory (hey, i did it!)

So, quick update to all you brosephs out there. First off, DO NOT ruin Top Chef Masters for me as i fell asleep last night and did not get a chance to see it yet, but i DVR’d it so its all good later. I do not know whats up with me right now but i feel tired all the time, i think its a combination of working to much, not getting enough sleep and possibly needing to eat more. If its the latter then AWESOME cause i have some cans of chili that i need to use up. Has anyone used canned chili as a pasta sauce? something tells me that would be good…. will keep you posted.

Next, seeing a new doctor tomorrow morning. 8 O CLOCK!!! Granted, its better than the usual 4 in the morning that i have been waking up at but there is no way im gonna be bubbly for the Doc at eight. Luckily my friend T is coming with so ill have someone there to talk to who i dont feel the need to impress and will perhaps take me out to breakfast later. MMMMMMM, pancakes. Anyway, the doc is gonna get my weigh in down and tell me what to do eating-wise (diet, amounts, etc) and the only difference about this time is that im ready to listen. Why prolong this shiz anymore? I dont know, but i know i have said this before so now the key is to follow through. Will do – follow through!!!

Last thing, the youth group went well last night. The kids were a little ADD,but then again they were kids and that comes to be expected. All in all the ones that paid attention were attentive and i think it would have been even better if i had a little more energy. Note to self….. next time take a nap!

This brings me to my big and final point… the domino effect. It was what i used to illustrate all the wonderful things God has done for me recently without me even knowing about all of it. It starts with the first domino of me being in texas after college and secluding myself becasuse of my embarassment from the eating disorder coupled with blaming others for how crappy i felt. Then, since i was inside all the time, it led me to peruse the internet all the live long day sticking mostly to facebook. Then, one day on facebook i saw my friend Kat needed a receptionist at her job and i thought i would leave a random comment (p.s., i NEVER talked to this girl ever… but she was my friend so it was on my ‘feed’ or whatever). Kat then set me up and interview and put in a good word which landed me a job. Then i realized how much i abhorred that job and started complaining to my mother on a daily basis. Now, since i was complaining so much to her she would talk to my father about it and he would ask me what i would rather do. I had no answer whatsoever to this question.,.. but i did know that one of the few pleasures i had anymore was listening to Jason and Deb in the morning on 101.5FM. So i thought “i think i would like to do radio”. That being said, my father talked with some people he knew and got me an awesome internship which is definitely going to benefit me in the long-term career-wise…. which im loving. Coupled with me living ‘rent-free’ and finaly around people that dont make me want to climb into a bathtub with a space heater… and you have a recipe for success! And… its only getting better.

Bottom line, be open to what God has in store and TRUST that the dominos he knocks down for you are going to fall in a good way. It is definitely scary to put faith in something like that… but he made you special and will take care of you. Put your fate in his hands and allow his awesome plan to work in your life… i assure you that you will not be dissapointed.

*sorry for the short-ish post… but its time to get back to the internship. SIGNING OFF!





Hearing and Listening

11 08 2009

The two seem to be the same thing, when in fact they are on two totally different sides of the spectrum. I know i have had some bosses throughout my life that I listen to and those that i simply hear. This is the theme for today becase, while gripping with an eating disorder, there is a voice that tells us what to do food-wise. “This has too much fat in it. Your not getting enough protein. This apple is more nutritious than this cookie.” It can be quite frustrating, especially considering that the voice in the background sounds exactly like me sometimes, who taught this bitch to do impressions?!?!

However, today brought a wonderful realization regarding this master of impersonation…. choose to hear and not listen. It started this morning for me with the notion that today was going to be awesome. I took a different way to work, i chewed some gum rather than crunched on tic tacs all morning and… the big one…. TWO bananas this morning for breakfast.

They were sugary and ripe like i like them...

They were sugary and ripe like i like them...

This is something that can seem fairly arbitrary, until you know the constant thinking about bananas and a voice saying: “Too many carbs, not enough protein, too much sugar, other fruit has more nutrients, you can have this and less oatmeal..” <— WHAT ABOUT THIS MAKES SENSE!? The decision was made at work… both naners are going to be eaten for three reasons.

  1. I was craving naners and these sounded awesome
  2. Its not a candy bar or a gallon of ice cream… its a piece of fruit and i would LOVE to meet the guy who got fat from fruit.
  3. Because im awesome and way better than some retarted voice.

MMMMMMM, potassiumRoses are red, violets are blue. One nana is sweet, but sweeter is two. Can you feel the awesomeness!?!?!

The small victory got me in a better mood for some reason. I had a great workout and enjoyed my afternoon just floating out in the pool and taking a leisurely bike ride. Later on the voice tried to make a comeback, as we all know the easiest thing to do after a victory is become complacent (i.e. we had the extra banana earlier… we dont NEED to have such a big lunch) Well, F that! i went through the rest of the day not obsessing and constantly counting. I trusted that i would get what i needed/wanted. Granted there was some yelling going on that was hard to ignore sometimes. But then again, you can hear something and not listen. Who knew taking que from something a five year old does could pay off this late in the game?

The challenge here? Hear the disorder, listen to yourself. The disorder is a PART of the amazing machine that is you and, last time i checked, it takes a lot more to start a car than a fanbelt… it takes the whole damn thing. You are awesome and powerful and we are this way through the strength that comes from God everyday. He wants us to attack the day, remember… we are not guaranteed tomorrow and therefore must take today by the balls and ‘let it rock!’

In other news i speak my testimony tomorrow for a youth group. Im excited and nervous at the same time and dont EXACTLY know what im going to say. Im just gona pray that God will use me as his vessel and speak to me through his word. That being said it is time for some devotion and a one on oe with the pillow. Once again, thanks for reading and know that you are strong, unique and should relish in that each day, and extra banana, was created for you.