But tonight… is the night… when two become one

Spice girls, classic.

Anyway, this one is going to be a quickie but one that you NEED TO READ! Remember the whole ‘anonimity topic’? Well, then its time to come clean and divulge the other blog i write. One reason why I do not post as much as i would like is because there is another blog i write for that is very different from this one (concentrates more on funniness that seriousness). But, i decided that a tru man cannot live divided and will be putting more of both worlds into one blog. So, join me at panclayke.blogspot.com and follow me on a truly ‘Mantastic Voyage’

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Mommys alright, Daddys alright…

Even though they just seem a little weird. Yes folks, today I am going to take a lesson from Cheap Trick and surrender.

As many of you know, i have been talking about what the messages have been in past church services. This is how uh-maize-ang God is, since i can find something to plug into my weekly motivation everytime i walk into the building. This week we were talking about Joseph (dreamcoat, not of aramathia) and how he interpreted the dreams of the two men he met in prison and how they were both instrumental in his getting out of jail and the significance of why it took awhile. Both lessons inspired the way im taking on the world right now and i could not help but to share. Inspire my sharing inspiration and all that.

Instrumental Inmates: Picture two random people getting thrown into prison with you. You didnt do anything wrong and know yourself to be innocent. Furthermore, you know that others know you to be innocent yet alone you sit in a cell. Then, a butler and a baker come into the jail you call home and will not shut up about how bad THEY have it. Then they wake up crying about a nightmare they each had and ask you to tell them what it meant. This is what Joseph went through.

Two weeks ago i would have told the men to shut up and leave me alone. “I’m trying to think of a way to get out of here!”, I would say and continue to sink more into a vat of depression juice since there was no certainty in sight as to when I would be getting out of this prison. Luckily, Joseph is not me and he looked at the mens situation with sympathy and optimism. With this attitude he interpreted their dreams and told them what their futures would entail. Talk about a favor! THEN… the two men get out of jail for they kings birthday. Of COURSE they are going to mention the helpful fellow in the jail cell who gave them such marvelous advice and pass that on to the king, right? FAIL!

Neither men told the king what happened at the celebration. But i will bet Joseph was jumping around the cell getting all shaved and ready to take on the world in a few days. Why was this inspirational to me? It inspired me not to let the literal Disorder-Prison influence my attitudes in a way that will put people off to me. I asked myself how I would feel if, when i just started recovering, i met a man who was doing everything to get healthier and get on with his life… but rather than being happy and motivated to press on he was a ‘can’t-hack-it, panty-waste, who wears his momma’s bra’ (<– name the film!). Recovering should be something we aspire to do and something that we all take in stride and even, dare I say, enjoy. ENJOY!?!! Heck yeah! I enjoy LOVE that i am getting stronger and healthier every single day. And while i am unsure if there is anyone out there keeping some track of my random musings, I would sooner kick myself in the face with a golf shoe before I allowed myself to make them think that recovery is not worth it in any and every way. Rahter than whining about a bad situation, Joseph looked at the men as two people he could help, and allowed God to work through his actions. Keeping that mindset allowed him to meet the situation head-first with a smile ten feet wide.

Smiling = Surrendering: Coming back from a disorder is difficult, this is true. However, when people hear the world ‘difficult’ they associate that with needing to attack something. Having a battle plan to attack the disorder head on with a guitar it their hands and ROCK in their hearts (<– name the movie!). Now, while a meal plan is vital, along with a team of experts to monitor health/mental status’ … there is also the notion of surrender. I, in no way, mean give up to the disorder… i mean give up to God. Allow Him to take over your life and know that though you may be going through a trial at the moment, He put it in your path for a reason and would never give you anything you a)cannot handle and b) would not make you a better person in the longrun.

While he was in jail Joseph was going through one doozie of a trial. He was an innocent man in jail who was still finding the inner strength to help those around him. Then… he has an ‘in’ with the king (<– has the power to get him out of there!) and still finds himself waiting and waiting.. and waiting…. and wai-*zzzzZZZZZZ. Sorry i dozed off. However, in spite of all the waiting for something to happen, not to mention the hectic atmosphere of being IN JAIL, he would still look to God and say (paraphrase) God, you know better than me… so You meant for this to happen this way, which makes it the best, right Your way. With this in mind Joseph had no problem with this waiting for the good times to come his way…

LO AND BEHOLD – Joseph gets out of jail (albeit longer than he may have liked) and becomes second in command to the king after interpreting his dreams! How awesome is this?!?! Through trusting in God and not getting in his own way he goes from being

• his fathers favorite
• sold into slavery
• advisor to Potipher
• thrown in jail
• SECOND IN COMMAND TO THE KING OF EGYPT!!!

People… there is a reason why Joseph has a movie based on him life.

The point? Surrender your days to God and trust in His plan. Personally, i can totally tell a difference when I take a little time in the morning and ask God to take my life in His hands and prepare my heart to be willing to accept His plan for my life. Everytime i geting the inkling to think about ‘how many cals are in this’ or ‘ whether or not i NEED to keep eating more than i think I need’ I just remind myself that the day is God’s, and a hard day once in a while is in His plan for me. I think im gonna trust that He knows whats up.

Until next time: Stay strong, be safe, know that God is always there… along with agagle of people that love you bunches and bunches. Maybe tell them ‘thank you’ for someting random today. Im gonna thank mom for paying for my bananas this morning.

Losing and Gaining.

-NOTE: THIS POST IS NOT ABOUT WEIGHT-

Some may notice that there is a level of anonimity on this blog. No, i am not a superhero or a spy… although that would be beyond awesome. Something of a pirate/ninja/spy. In fact, either one of those three would be alright with me. What was i saying? Oh yeah, the anonimity.

Well, i don’t view myself as me right now. I mean, i am always me… there is no other person i could be. But the thoughts that swim in my head and the attitude i have towards the things i do and the motivation i have to do those things…. its someone who i do not know and, more important, someone who i do not want to be. There is a me that I did like. He was fifty pounds heavier, snacked all throughout the day on things like fruit and the occasional muffin, he loved movies and playing video games. He would stay up late and not fret about where he was going and didn’t only have people calling him because they were worried about him. That is the person i miss and that is the person i would like to still be…

The catch is, that person is behind me. The more I think about him the more i get discouraged. Like when you had the high score in on the Pac Man machine in the skating rink and all of a sudden old Mr. Blunton traded it for Marvel vs. Capcom. It may be more familiar to say: “you never knew what you have until you lose it.” That, right there, is the reason why i am typing on the keyboard right now. I can dwell in the past until im blue in the face and ill still be in the same place I am now, watching the salt episode of ‘Good Eats’ on the couch at three in the morning, wide awake since i have the worst insomnia known to man. No, the key is to forget all that, ar rather… put it behind you. Once that is done it will be easier to 1)welcome the fututre and 2)allow God to take control of everything in our lives. And i do mean ev-er-y-thing.

The latter is where i lack, im not gonna lie. This hit me tonight like a punch in the face. I noticed i put on a good face of ‘letting go and letting God’ but i still do not trust Him as fully as i should. Let me explain, ill start and end everyday telling God that the day belings to Him and praying that His name would be glorified, give that an hour at the most and i fall into the trap of trusting only what is tangeble again…. which, sadly, in the imperfetion that is man.

I can tell im starting to ramble a bit and not making much sense so im gonna end on a couple of notes before i start talking about the similarities between my life and the Chronicles of Narnia. So, lately i have been feeling a little bit low recently and I cannot come to the reason why. Some of me thinks it could be the aura of October, another thinks it could e the result of a hectic home life, there is even a small part that thinks its because im still not eating enough and my body is undernourished and irritated. All three may be true, but whatever it is  must remember that it may be a testing time but the test comes from the almighty. It may not be fair and may seem like the test im taking right now was one that i am unprepared for, but that is when we learn the most and, therefore, grow the most. The trick is to not fall into the trap of thinking there is something we can so about it… because there is nothing we can do at all. It makes sense logically:

• God wants us closer to Him
• He is, therfore, going to test us in order to lead us more to Him
• If there was someone on earth who could solve our problems we would not only end up thanking them rather than God, but also just falling into a greater reliance on temporal and fleeting things… the things of the world.

God, i pray i would remember you are in control and that i would take that to heart. Prepare my heart to surrender to you and give up all that is myself. I pray i could stop getting in my own way and stop trying to constantly swim upstream… trying to solve my own problems… resulting in my own futility. I pray that my life would gorify Your name and live a life that is pleasing to you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Also, to digress… dont forget to check out Ellie’s giveaway. Do it now and thank me later.

I LOVE KUNG FUUUUUUUU!

Don’t you love it when a movie from childhood has a wonderful life lesson? Well, thats the way i felt today while i was watching Kung Fu Panda. Granted, this movie is not from my childhood, but I still love it and feel a little inspired everytime i watch it… and i think thats what makes any movie wonderful.

The first thing I noticed as I was watching it was how nobody thought the panda was the dragon warrior when he was initially chosen. Why… well, the word ‘fat’ came up more often than not. Uncool, and wrong at the same time. Im not sure if any of you remember, but the main reason why he wins the epic fight at the end of the film is because he DOES have a little meat on his bones. If you don’t know why then, well…. i guess you just found a reason to make a trip to blockbuster. Either way, watching it reminds me how cruel society can be. You look at the tabloids and people are either one of three things: Anorexic, Fat or a cover story. It seems as though your not supposed to be fat or skinny but the ideal bullseye. How friggin hard is it to hit a bullseye anyway, no wonder the country is either looking to lose or gain weight…. everyone is working to throw their darts at the bullseye and nobody is hitting it except whoevers on the cover of Cosmo this month. It also brings back memories of childhood when the playground kids all decided to gang up on the fat kid. I swear, sometimes i wish they could have filed in one at a time as I lie on my back in the hospital hooked up to a heart rate monitor since my body was barely able to keep it beating. Again, uncool. I assure you future children of mine, you are going to be loved no matter what you look like and if I EVER catch you making fun of someone overweight i am going to whip the belt off so quick you won’t know what hit you.

The other part of the movie that I felt awesome watching was when Poe (the panda) finds out there is no secret ingredient to Kung Fu, it is only you. This i both agreed and disagreed with simultaneouly. I know that nothing can be ‘found’ when it comes to recovery. I cannot tell you all how many websites iv’e visited, people iv’e talked with, books ive read, journal pages ive written when it comes to what to eat and when and what time. There was a point where it became something of a job. I would wake up with the goal to find the ‘cure’, newsflash… there is none. Life would be so much easier sometimes if God just had a man-ual on how o live the perfect life… but we were give that wonderful free will so that got thrown out the window a long time ago. It took me a while to realize that ‘there is no secret ingredient’ and the only one that can make/motivate me to get better is myself. That said, i do not agree at it begins and ends there. The best progress i have made in my reovery has been when i have had a focus on God. Before, when i would rely on friends and even my family they would eventually let me down and i would sink deeper into my disordered thought of: The reason they didnt ‘want’ to be around me is because i wasn’t thin/good enough. Who the hell thinks like that? Honestly… one of the best times i can remember is when i was still technically overweight. I had the energy to work out, attended church, had a great girlfriend and was even referred to as a ‘leading man’ by a couple people. At this time there was a variable that eventually gat thrown by the wayside and that was church. Falling out of touch with God led to an increased reliance on people and resulted in the self destruction that was my disorder. Now, im looking to concentrate more of God and living in Him… fulfilling His purpose for my life and i am, therefore, in a way beter place recovery-wise.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heartand lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,and he will make your paths straight. (Pro 3:5)

So, whats the ultimate answer? There IS no secret ingredient and one must learn to lean on themselves in order to fully ‘recover’, if there is such a thing. However, there is a variable that motivates everyone differently. Some choose to get stronger for a new job, starting college, to have children, health reasons… whatever the motivation/variable is know that the result is always the same

Life. (<– worth it)

What’s your motivation?

Till next time men (and women), stay strong and know that there is more out there for you. I promise

 

Swimming…

Good day readers, thank you in advance for stopping by. Shoes go in the corner, where sis you get those by the way? I looked for them there but they didn-

Sorry, i got carried away. Im working to create a fnatasy world to try and app some spice to my life. Right now it seems as though im living in a wite bread sandwich filled with saltine crackers. Granted, I have an awesome internship at one of the biggest radio stations in town. Dont get me wrong… in not a name dropper in the least, but it happens so early in the morning and then im home for the rest of the day (after 11 o clock, but still). I really want to get out into the world but there is nothing coming to mind. All day long it seems im either thinking about food and what im going to eat next, or im thinking about something to bake and looking up recipes so i can go out to the grocery store and get somethings done for the day at least. The hardest thing about days like this is that im so ‘shut in’ that my head starts swimming around stupid and insipid things… i know this but and for the most part i can ignore the self harming ones, but there is still that ‘inkling’ that begs me to go to the gym and just take up space on lifting machines for two hours and then sit on a stationary bike for a while since i still dont feel strong enough to go for a run. Then, the all time best thought (highly sarcastic) is the “you remember what you used to be like when you were overweight, The same thing you doing right now.” Whats the worst thing about this? Since  feel I was like this when i was overweight then it makes me not want to eat during the day. Don’t worry… i still make sure to eat all my meals, but its jut getting so tiresome to have to remind myself that peanut butter is OK and bananas are fine to eat for meals other than breakfast. It makes me tired, along with the insomnia is a combonation worse than olives and vanilla ice cream.

I know that there is time to get out into the world and do things. I also know that the time will come when im stronger in both body and mind and be able to enjoy those times more. Im just impatient i guess. Ive always been a ‘NOW’ person, waiting for things to come to me. I try and talk to my family about it and they just tell me to enjoy the time and use it to my advantage… I wish someone could tell me how watching tivo ll day while sitting on my butt that doesn’t exist advances me in the least. Honestly, theres a log in the hole in the bottom of the sea…. and i feel like a bump on said log, if that! Do any of you guys ever feel this way, and if so what do you do in response? So far the only things i can think of are taking a nap, reading the bible a bit at a Starbucks or practicing the guitar for a little bit. But then there is the argument of what i can do thats not for me. Im overwhelmed wth this feeling of selfishness and the thoughts of being undeserving of this ‘me time’. I want to have a career that I love and get to do during the day and friends who like to maybe go to a nice restaurant or spend the night playing Wii and watching Arrested Development, is that too much?

I realize everything i said just now was extremely selfish and i apologize if i have upset anybody. Feel free to tell  to clam up and I assure you i will.

UPDATE!!!! This literally just happened. I got a call from this woman heading up an event for my church called the final hour. Its a series of skits that lead children through a young mans life until his death and ends with a call towards God. I highly support the message that ‘God is a God of second chances’, especially since He pulled me out of the fire a year ago. She just called me asking me to come to a couple run throughs tomorrow night at six. Is it going to be something new and different? Most definitely, and i know this since my firs instinct was to avoid it and use my internship as an excse for me not to do the event at all. Granted, the part is small and there is not money involved… but thee is also the wonderful opportunity to lead others to Christ. To actually use acting to bring Him glory… not to metion meet some new people. Needless to say i avoided the voice and promised i would be there tomorrow night. God does always open a window after a door appears closed… the quesion is whether or not your ready when the door is open.

Maybe the answeris to trust God will make a way. Maybe not lay back completely and be a ant on the log, but lie is wait ready to pounce like a lion in the jungle…. where they have fun and games. I think im gonna read the bible and play guitar, prep myself for what i beleive my calling to be. I almost dont even want to post this not since it appears to be much ado about nothing… but i think im going to anyway. This way i can let you, and myself, know that even though it may seem your in a pit sometimes… there is nothing wrong with being in there and growing for a while. Acorn into an oak tree and all that. And, tell you what… no tree ever grew unless they ate plenty (SANDWICH TIME!)

God’s Magna Doodle.

Growing up I loved the magna doodle. I would spend hours drawing nothing because most of the doodling was spent trying to learn why those gray cubes were going black. How do they dooo itttt? Well, at least it was easy to erase any mistakes. I quick swipe and all mistakes were gone, a blank canvas and a whole realm of new possibilities. It’s almost inspiring in a way. In fact, i think thats why we loved the old ‘magna’ so much, the whole “go ahead and make mistakes” attitude totally took the pressure off. Not like those friggin creepy crawlers. I swear, eek the goo over the mold a little bit and BOOM! now nobody will ever know whether or not its a spider or a cockroach… good luck trying to scare someone with that.

Anyhoo, this morning I was fortunate enough to be able to start the day with the tude of the doodle as I got to see the sunrise over the ocean. Let me lett you that a new sun, over calm seas is what I believe to be God’s magna doodle. His reset button, if you will. The second i thought about this all i could do was be hopeful for a good day. Walking away from the beach with reassurance that God is in control and there is no mistake He cannot overlook. All the sins and indiscretions ive committed in the past and will commit in the future (im not perfect, i know this to be true). However, i know He is a God of mercy and grants the gift of salvation whether i screw up once or one thousand times.

Why the ramblings? Because this attitude carried through my entire day. I dont think ive left the house longer than 30 minutes today and normally that is the prime oppotunity for the disordered thoughts to start creeping in from around the corner. But not today. Why? because i started my day knowing God had forgotten my past and it would be stoopid of me to dwell on something that apparently doesn’t matter anyway. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is uncertain. Life is today, and its looking to be a beautiul day at that.

*I baked muffins today and they were awesome. I already had three… but i think ill attack the gimpy one before i go to sleeps.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matt 6:34)

Holy Monday, Batman!

Why the apparent Batman reference? Cause its Monday and noting says monday like HEROES!!! Im so glad they stopped time traveling all over the place. Im not gonna lie… it was getting a little hard to follow at some points, thank goodness for Hulu!

Today i was walking out of the house on my way to work (My day starts at 4) took all my vitamins and headed out the door. Then i grabbed the typical Clif Bar breakfast and was going for an apple as a snack… then I remembered a movie preview i saw the other day for ‘Whip It’. Have you heard of it? Well, its got Ellen Paige (Juno) Drew Barrymore and Juliette Lewis (Dusk till Dawn) and tons of other beauties playing the roles of roller-derby girls. HOTTTTT! Then, to add to the adoration, the tagline was: “Put on some skates and be your own hero”. See, Ellen Paige is looking to find her place in the world and is inspired by the roller girls. She pulls one aside and says that they just became her hero. Then comes the tag and the “O-Shoot” moment. This is what i thought of when i put down the apple and picked up another Clif before going to work to eat in the car. Why? Because it was time to be my own hero or the day. To not start breakfast with some small peice of fruit because it’s “safe” and to have something thats tasty and healthy at the same time. Cals be Damned! I continued the trend of self-heroism by not counting dinner cals and just cooking. Just going in the kitchen and seeing what was going on and what looked good. This spelled pulled port sandwich with a sweet potato and broccoli. I apologize for not taking a pic but take my word that it was awesome beyond awesome! I am becomming a fan of not using ‘reduced cal’ BBQ sauces like whoa, and you know how Vegans put avocado on everything? There is a reason — it.is.delicious! Cream Cheese and mayo can bite my crank, avo is the way to go!

On the ‘trigger’ front… her name is mom. Yesterday it would seem the comment of the evening was: “Get an ass”. good times. I especially loved how it was said in response to ”I need to get some sleep” (like i said, work starts at 4). I dont know if she is TRYING to motivate me to restrict my food and go back to being in the hospital again… and believe me, i thought about it. But not this time, cause its different now. Before i would text everyone in the phone book asking them to come out and chill and just end up going for a hot tea alone until four in the morning because i dont deserve something as nice as sleep. This time i asked the question: “Really? Is that your voice? Do you want that? Or do you want to read a few chapters in John and get some sleep so you can have energy tomorrow?” It feel awesome to be in a blanket cocoon p.s.. Thank goodness i went to bed too, cause there was a new girl in the office this morning and i needed to dole out the charm like my last name was Gray and i had a really ugly portrait in the attic (Picture of Dorian Gray? PICK UP A BOOK!).

So, i guess thats about it. There was some moderate/embarassing gym escapades as well… but we can save those for another post entitied: ‘Yes, that is the Spice Girls on my Ipod.’ But before i leave you im going to take a cue from my girl Katie and list three things I am thankful about today.

1. The rain made it really peaceful when i was watching Scrubs and relaxing earlier.
2. I baked some awesome muffins and have found a new use for baby food.
3. The Maple Nut Clif Bar tastes like a pancakes…. with pecan pralines in it.

OH MAN… im gonna jot this part quick. So im watching Heroes and there is a new character today. Im not sure what her power is as of yet but she is a Deaf woman who apparently sees sounds as colors (as opposed to hearing them). Now, im not sure how this is a power… but they just played a wonderous scene of her picking up a cello and going to town. Not only were the colors emanating from the cello awesome but the music was just as beautiful. To see something like that on two fronts got me thinking of another movie quote: “Sometimes there is so much beauty in the world, i feel like i cant take it.”(American Beauty). This normally wouldn’t efect me in the least, im a MAN after all. The kind that invented the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn! However, being a musician i can relate to this scene and appreciate the beauty they were working to produce on the ABC channel. I do believe that God placed me on this earth to share this gift with the world and the fact that I ruined a whole lot of what was shaping to be a wonderful reputation and skill with the insatiable desire to be thin makes me sad all day. No more… im taking a cue from ABC and am going to be my own hero. Clif-man…. or something like that

Okay… im really gonna go this time. Stay strong men and know that through Him… all things are possible. Amen.

Declarations and Ch-Ch-Changes (said like Bowie)

Well Hello, Hello, Hello. And how are we doing this wonderful sunday? Things have been changing on the man front recently and i thought i would do a quick post-ski about wha they are and the meaning behind them. Yes, there is a method to the madness.

First off, there is the title of the Blog. Not to say it wasn’t brilliant to begin with but i felt that it was something that would push people away when the purpose was intended to support others. Hopefully the new one will allow people to feel a bit more alleviated with regard to chatting it up and sharing hard times. Which brings me to why i started the blog in the first place.

-I started this because, while i was struggling with getting better/stronger/more awesome (struggling, being the key word) i would spend hours entering words into google searching for a male support group for Eating Disorders. I dont know if it was just the central Texas area… but there was nothing to be found. I did have a couple close friends who had been through the same stuff and were ‘recovered’, but they were women. Now, while i am not sexist… nor a fan thereof, I do know that coming back from the pit is apples and oranges when it comes to men and women. I decided i could either A) keep complaining about it or B) get a wordpress account and be my own hero. Granted, im not there yet and I do not claim to be. However, my journey through the pit will hopefully inspire others to know that recovery is possible when you have the Lord behind you. And let me tell you something… the only time He is no there is when you choose not to look.

-Lastly, I like to think of myself as a rubix cube. There are many sides of me and a lot of variety… and i’m always different depending on the angle your looking from. What does this mean? Well, im a barrel full of: dreams, goals, skills, emotions, anecdotes, opinions and idiosyncracies that I look forward to sharing with each anf every one of you. That being said… remember that it is not so much as who the man is, but rather who the man becomes. Another way would be to say “It’s not where you start, its where you finish.”

That being said, join me on day one of a makeover and a new motivation. Also, i pledge to incorporate a few photos and a heck of a lot more diversity. Until then, ill leave you with this;

^“I can do everything through him who gives me strength. ” (Phillipians 4:13)

Whoa, sooo not part of the plan!

 

We’ve all been there. The time is the same as yesterday, the situation is the same as yesterday, the temprature, television placement, air temperature, humidity, mood, ambiance…… everything is the same as yesterday so its only normal that we would be having the same breakfast/lunch as yesterday. I mean… thats what I planned for and thats what im going to do. This is a problem when you have a father who wants to live life my the seat of his pants constantly and is, in turn, where i find myself right now. I had the oats on the stove and the coffee in the pot. Im about to start cutting up the fruit to make sure i get the nutrients i need today. Then down comes papa asking me to get some vegan pizza i mentioned i found last week. Apparently e has been craving some pizza for a while and has been waiting for me to go with him. Immediately, the sirens go off and the reaction to say no filled my head.

Then he asks me to go see Cloudy, With a chance of meatballs 3D. ‘But i was going to go to the gym later!!!” Friday is a workout day… lower body. Followed by two days of rest with light cardio if im feeling up to it, then it starts over again the next week. How could i switch a workout for a movie?!!?!?

 

I will let you know after I tear into this bad boy with Dad, and then go and laugh at a three-D movie thats meant for kids. Its about time we started acting like the kid we used to be, and its been more than long enough doing the same thing. Tune in later today readers… update to follow.

Its not just about eating…

To be honest i wish to God that it was. If that was the only case then i would have been better immediately, and to be honest i thought i would be over a year ago when i was first diagnosed. But, thats not the case. This whole thing did not just happen… it was a culmination of a whole bunch of personality traits that evolved over time and now its time to let all those things go.

One thing i noticed was that i have trouble sharing… but only when someone doesnt ask me. Now, granted, when someone you dont know takes a soda out of your fridge or a few DVD’s off the bookcase without asking you then there is definitley some vindication behind pulling that person aside and asking them politely to ask the next time. But, with me, I realized that I only need people to ask me because I want the gratitude. I have this NEED to be thanked to the point of it being ridiculous for something super small (like sharing my popcorn at the movies… or letting my parents eat out of one of ‘my bowls’). This is and indication to me that i need to learn to be safe and strong ALONE, without the constant comparison to others around me. Honestly, this is something i have struggled with constantly over the past three years and i know that one of the reasons it has lingered for so long is because it is one of the hardest things to let go. Letting go of the control and allowing myself the security to tell myself ‘thank you’ and be okay with that?! Surely i jest. Well, i jest you not… and don’t call me surely.

Today was also an audition for an upcomming performance at my church. I dont think its gonna go down the way i wanted it to. They had me come in and read a monologue for this character desmond… right off the bat it felt wierd. I felt disconnected and unfocussed… something i attributed to being tired. Now, i do wake up at Four for work… but i know i would have had some reserve fuel in the tank were this the before ‘you know what’. The thing is, i know this to be true but i hear the voice in the back of y head telling me to stop making excuses… accept that im not as good as I think i am sometimes. But, im choosing to disagree today….. I know that i am talented and that God put me on this earth to perform and inspire others through laughter. This was taken away from me once and i will NOT let it happen again. The funny thing was (more funny looking back) that after the monologue the directed had me read for a past version of the character where he’s addited to drugs. At first I think… “Smaller role… NO WAY!”, then i looked at my reflection in the glass door on the way out and said: “i would cast you the same way”. Also… another instance of the ‘Its all about ME’ happening. Both are something i would rather live without and both are being fought against as we speak. How? Lets just say im doing a hoooge favor for my parents and will NOT seek retribution or constant thanking by everyone other than myself, and i am also going to go out of my way tomorrow and most likely be prepping myself for fatigue x 10 by driving like 40 miles to read for the smaller part tomorrow. You need to build a wall one brick at a time… and today is the first brick.

“What are the traits that trigger you? How are you gonna kick those traits in the face?”

Fear not men, there is a siver lining along these clouds of self discovery. I notice that it was easy to identify what voices in my head dont really sound like mine anymore… and its those that im stabbing in the face with a sodering iron. I know because its the same one that tells me I can fix something by restriction… or doing another rep in the weightroom. Each day is hard, but taking care of myself makes each day a little easier as well. We are all capable of hearing these voices and saying no…. you know who has a louder voice AND a megaphone? You guessed it, thanks be to God.

*note: A friend traveled to London last year and brought me back some granola bars that had been dipped in Green and Blacks Dark Chocolate that I kept in the fridge because i couldnt understand how to read the nutrition information. I had one of the bars today and i was SO UPSET! I waited this long to eat this wonderful wonderous wonder?! Shame on me… shame on me indeed. What does this mean for you? It means that you should have a snack this week because it tastes good and for that reason only. Let me know what you have and how GOOOOOOD it was… im curious.

(Notice the new ‘verse of the day’ that just started happening too! Have a blessed day!)